2006-08-28, 9:23 p.m.
Things have been really good. Really, they have. But then something changed: the warm fuzzy feelings from Joe don't come as frequently and don't last as long. His reasonings and stories don't hold as much weight or I'm not as understanding.
I remember him taking my hands and looking at them, looking at my face, and telling me "You have two hands, two feet, and live in southern california. you're white, female, and beautiful. you have everything you could ever want." I kind of looked down and shook my head, thinking "not you." But would never say that out loud. I don't want to resent him or become a burden and i don't want to bech a sappy girl. On top of that, I feel like the more I show him that I like him, the more he doesn't check in with my feelings. I guess sex can sometimes make me uncomfortable. I wish I would have the opportunity to enjoy those times with him but I don't that time fufills me like talking and hanging out.
And maybe all my stress over this relationship or lack of relationship has been pushed back. Along with the worries of starting school, my nutso mom, and dependence on drugs. I pushed it down down down till my fuse was short...and then I blew up. I snapped at my dad in frustration then totally lost it over my mom. She was doing the usual..calling me crazy, worthless, and being a general nasty bitch. My dad didn't suprise me by going to bed. The whole situation angered me more than I can ever remember. My dad was being selfish and blowing me off when I needed his help. He's had that general ambiance and attitude lately... he doesn't give a fuck about anything but himself. I was frustrated at that. Then my mom started to get on my case. She yells at me about everything that applies to her: i'm crazy, don't make any money so don't own anything, and don't contribute shit to the family....which is more her than me. I exploded and was so so fed up with being treated like shit by my parents. The whole situation snapped me. I was so sick of being walked all over so when my mom wanted to take a bath in my bathroom I put my foot down. I felt so angry I felt like if she said one more negative thing to me I'd attack her. I wanted to kick her ass so bad. I had so much anger to release and for once I wanted to release it on the right person. Probably smartly, I locked myself in the bathroom and blasted my stereo. I didn't want to hear one thing from my mom and one thing from my dad telling me to let her use the bathroom so he could sleep. After about 15 minutes of ear piercing music, frantic sobbing and clawing at myself, and running every solution through my head, i opened the door, turned off the stereo, and locked the door and closed it. I was ready for a fight. If my mom wanted to bitch at my dad and he got involved, i would be a royal pain in the ass. i wanted to threaten my dad and hurt my mom. my angered scared me.
and i'm still so angry and frustrated. all i need is to hear my mom cough or try to talk to my dad and i feel my blood pressure rise.
and now even the idea of getting out of the house doesn't calm me down. i don't want to just move out and get out of this fucked up situation, i want to get revenge. i want them to suffer like i did and make my dad pay for ignoring me for so long - even when suicidal - and my mom pay for thinking she has the right to treat me like this. i need to see julio. i am scaring myself and try to rationalize with myself but i'm so angry and so fed up that what i want to do really feels justified.