2006-09-20, 8:26 p.m.

yesterday was a nightmare. i had a job interview i fucked up completely and then the evening was never ending. iwas with Dan and a friend of his and i was crashing on no sleep and irritated. we were all arguing all night and they made me feel like they were talking about me the whole time. i had no shit so i went to very first guy who introduced me to this shit's place. i got smoked out and almost raped but slipped out on a good one.
This morning I had an appt with Julio. It's all a blur now. I can tell Julio is genuinely concerned about my drug use. he never reacted to things i thought that were serious in the past so if i'm thinking this is really really bad and he does too...then i'm in trouble. i need him to tell me i wil be okay. He kept looking at me so sad, talking so softly, and his eyes would turn red when they watered. I confessed to not wanting to go meetings because i don't want to acknowledge how bad it is. but this was a really bad drug to use to switch to. really dumb.and i didn't realize the trouble iwas getting into until i woke up on a day like today and thought "how did i get here?" now i feel like i gave myself cancer and when i look ahead of me i see so much effort required. pushing myself, analyzing myself, feeling shitty, dealing with eating, having to sit in my own head for a long period of time.
i realized i never ever let myself to think consistnely or constantly about stressors. my mind is now on auto-shut off when i hit 5 minutes or so.
things weren't suppose to be like this. idont' want to die and i don't want to be a bitch and i don't want to be alone. i don't want people to feel sorry for me and i hate that i have no motivation and dont' care. i hate it all..the good and bad options because it means i have to make a move and change things.
i need help.