2006-09-20, 11:34 p.m.
My latest email to Julio:
this mornings appt seems very far away. i skipped class today because i smoked weed and was so so so out of it. it reminded me why i don't like that stuff. As expected, depression has hit me hard. my head hurts, my legs hurt, and my mind hurts. i'm freaking out because i need to get this under control and i don't know how. go to meetings? ya i know. but i just need small steps i can start taking...like not smoking one time i want to on a certian day. or something like that. i'm so frustrated because i'm having trouble being articulate and finding words. i feel like i'm losing my mind, i'm in this cloud of haze, and everyones laughing or shaking their head at me. i'm also so frustrated because i can't stand who i am. i don't know me or like how i'm acting. sometimes i get frustrated because i feel like no one gives me a chance and i should have and deserve lots of friends...but other times like now instead of doubting those who don't like me i'm wondering if those who do are just blowing smoke up my skirt.
the most frustrating things are trying to communicate with people. like today, i felt this distance between us. i felt like i kept trying to say something and get across but something was in the way. i need to find a way to make recovery worth it. even if i found a way that was really hard but i was able to quit...it wouldn't be worth it.i'd be alone and depressed and would forget why i gave it up in the first place. i can't believe i already saw you this week. it feels like it was days ago. am i just being paranoid or can you really see a difference in my mood and personality? i don't know what's real or a dream or drugs or my emotions anymore. i'm scared and i needed to run these thoughts by a solid reality. So thanks for reading. Goodnight Jul Melissa
got high off weed for only the second time today. i didn't like it combined with meth. i got super paranoid but unable to move to check on things.
Ruston has been acting strange still. What he says and what he actually does is never a consistent, reliable thing. i'm lonely and desperate. i'll hang out with dan just for company. meanwhile, everytime i see anything related to joe i have to fight back tears. i miss him. i am angry at ruston. everyone leaves and it always feels unresolved.
I got a letter from St. Joseph today. Rita sent them out to all former patients for the after care program. I Don't tihnk I could handle going back to that hospital even for an hour. too many hurt feelings and misplaced trust.
i hate going to bed feeling this empty but i can't stay up with my feelings anymore.