should've would've could've
2006-09-23, 3:22 a.m.

I think I lost Dan as a connect. I pissed him off today because I wouldn't drive him and his dealer to pick up shit. He told me he wouldn't need my services anymore... exactly like that word for word. Not that Dan is even a friend because I am always thinking he is backstabbing me...but he has been my number one source so i hate to lose that. But if you're going to tweak..the gender you want to be is female. Guys give me free shit or sell me something not worth it to him as a favor to me. On the flipside, you get taken advantage of and have to learn how to say no without getting in danger.
I finally saw Ruston a couple nights ago. We hung out last night, too. It's been nice to see him and all but i'm realizing how self-absorbed he is. he will ramble on and on about himself...showing pictures and length old letters..but if i try to share a like story he will not even look at me while i talk or interrupt me. which goes perfectly aligned to how he doesn't care he hurts my feelings when he deosn't's all about him adn what he wants to do. he will beat himself up for doin the wrong things but won't consider my feelings. I mean..thats not entirely fair to say. he is a great guy and asks if i'm doing okay and all at his place but i don't think anything i do or who i am affects his behaviors.
And I oddly keep trying to please him and find a sign that he's interested. Even though i know it's him and not me I can't help but to feel like "well, if i was prettier, smarter, funnier...then he might have a crush on me.
I am such a people pleaser it's ridiculous. I want everyone to like me and go out of my way to do all I can to get that...even for the poeple I don't respect nor like so there opinion shouldn't mean shit to me.