2006-11-14, 8:16 a.m.
The therapy appt with Ken and his therapist was okay. I just smiled and nodded when appropriate and felt uncomfortable everytime Ken showed some kind of affection by taking my hand or rubbing my leg. I wonder if she could see right through me and what a big phony I am. I think I'm embarassed to be seen with Ken. It's not just how he dresses, it's how fucking affectionate he is. He is the most girly straight boy I have ever encountered. I had to bite the inside of my cheeks yesterday to keep from freaking out at him. He constantly tells me he loves me and if i don't say i love you too, he will pout and ask again. He always tells me how great i am, how sexy i am, how i make him a better person. That's great and all but not every fucking day and every fucking hour. I was in a terrible mood last night and I wanted to spend the evening at home. mr. emotional is too attatched to me so asked if he could come over. I said fine, but give me 45 min so i can get some stuff done alone that needs to be done. then, guess what?
He showed up right away. i was fuming by them because i've spending everyday with him for no more then an hour break and i need some fucking time ot myself. he then starts to whine how he can't be in my room any longer and canwepleasegotomyhouseori'll cry speel. i caved, pissed off, because the last thing i wanted to do was leave AND see people. i told him i have to use his computer for a bit, though. when i went to do that, he said okay but you have to sit on my lap. i nearly cried. i said "WHY?" he looked hurt and said "just for awhile." he sat there the whole time, with me on his lap ignoring him, and wouldn't shut the fuck up. i'm playing online scrabble and he keeeps talking to me and being suggestive. he is like a fucking puppy dog...he always needs attention. at my house, it seems like whenever i'm cleaning or putting soemthing away...anything where my hands are full..he'll pull me close to him and try to get me to sit on his lap. i'm not nice about it anymore..i snap at him "STOP! hang on." he'll usually say something like "i just want to hold you right now" and i'll say "ya, always when i'm really busy like this."
Yesterday I saw Joe which usually sends me into a tail spin but I was cool, collected, and condescending...like he always is. my dealer almost kicked my ass because Joe was being such a pain about specific requests "can you put them in 3 different gram baggies?" joe spent 150 bucks on an eightball and then i asked my guy to give me what he could for 32 bucks. a gram typically goes for about 50 bucks and for my 32 bucks i got a little less than a gram. Joe made some comment about how i'm a girl and it helps but i just beamed with arrogance.
Yesterday i had a scary experience, though. It was 4 AM and i was cleaning my room as usual at that hour. I was trying to take down this spiderweb i pout up for halloween and i was being lazy and tugging at it from the floor, rather then getting a chair and pulling out the pins. 2 or 3 of the ends snapped out and then when the 4th snapped the string with a push pen whipped over and hit me in the face less than inch below my eye. right away, i put my hand into my face and felt it lodged tightly in my face, righgt at the cheek bone. without thinking, i pulled it out and ran to the mirror...a little push pen hole started to bleed, covered my a red mark from it hitting my face so hard. i started to howl and sob ike crazy. i was flipping out because it was so disgusting and so fucked up...and more so because it was so close to my eye and it was 4 am and what the fuck was i doing at 4 am....i'm sure you can guess.
i know i'm about to head over a waterfall but i keep smoking more to forget that fact.