2006-11-07, 1:37 p.m.

I slept with the guy in my english class. He has been like an angel...exactly what i've been looking for. Just how much he wanted to help and he helped so properly and is fun to hang out with. Then we were both a little sex-focused yesterday and like, every comment made would go back to sex. we must've debated doing it for like 5 hours..becaues we didn't want ot ruin it or make it more difficult for him to help me.
sometime durng the night, probably since i was raw and sore adn over it..i started to resent him. i don't know what my deal is with sex but it always feels like a terrible horrible chore. and he was getting kind of freaky by saying he loves me and how this is like fate and all this stuff...but i guess i didn't take him off that path. he was nearly crying saying he didn't want me to hurt him and so i told him i never would. bad idea. i told him i loved him too, bad idea. i just know he will expect sex all the time now and i can't do it. i'm just so done being that way.
i kicked brian out a few days ago because i didn't want to suck him off. i slept with an old fling and it was actually the best sex i've ever had probably..but all of these things make me feel like a whore.
i'm using a lot of drugs and panicked constantly whenever i get low. i kind of want to die.