falling falling faster
2006-11-04, 8:41 a.m.

i felt yanked in 16 different directions yesterday.
i tried to get gay dealer's exboy out of my house but that just put 2 more people in my house and 1 more wanted my attention.
All night i had people bugging me every 8 seconds and confusing me. brian wanted to come over and fuck around, ken wanted me to get rid of sam because i shouldn't keep putitng it off, sam wanted to smoke, scott wanted me to come over and hang out, and ben wanted me to call him. i kept trying to please everyone and keep everyone happy all the while feeling like shit about it at all. because what did i want? i wanted my room back, my music back, and my feelings back.
i am sick and my room is cluttered with other people's shit and i can never play my music because they hate "whiney emo bright eyes" and i am in an emotional mind fuck over trying to please the unpleaseable.
and all the while i am realizing more and more how i need some friends who are GIRLS. Out of every guy i've hung out with the only ones who didn't try to fuck the FIRST day we met were sam (because he's gay), dan (because he's gay but later tried to get me to jerk him off), and ken (because he's not a tweaker and actually has respect for gals).
i am running on a couple hours of sleep a night..."I'm wide awake it's morning.." except i'm sick all the time, coughing up nasty looking shit and blowing out nastier, and my skin looks aged.
i feel like i keep falling further down the rabbit hole.