2006-12-05, 1:37 a.m.
I am trying as hard as I can to get the image of my mom out of my head. She had this satanic look in her eye...that made her look possessed. She laughed in an inhumane way straight at me and my first gut reaction was to tell her to shut up. When she's not acting so obviously nuts, I feel guilty for the way I've treated her. But it's harder when she's so disconected and so psychotic. I wanted her to stop so badly and the anger hit me so hard I had the urge to run up to her and slap her. Kind of like how when I was in middle school, I wanted to just shake her and make her become my mother again.
She is getting rapidly worse. That feeling I got from her tonight made me wonder what she'll be capable of some day and how much longer it will be till she's no longer able to function.
Some times I'm paranoid that she's out to get me. She tells my dad stories about me and I don't know if my dad has gotten into his thick brain that you shouldn't listen to crazy people.
I hate that she has so much power over my emotions and my thoughts. She doesn't deserve it.