2006-12-19, 6:59 p.m.
The holidays are hard. The past couple years I got through them pretty un-emotionally. But this year, the closer christmas comes, the more upset I get. I keep crying. it seems like everyday I break down hysterically crying. I'm with Ken all the time, still, so I lay this on him. I never tell him why I'm crying. I just tell him I'm depressed and when he probes I shut down.
I have been depressed, though. It's hard to tell when it's chemical or just my emotions. I feel like I'm depressed chemically because I always feel like i'm in a haze and all my perceptions and feelings are shaded and skewed by my depression. It's always hard to identify why I'm so upset but I think that's because I try to find one solid answer but in reality it's a lot of things. Everything about life. I also think it might be chemical because sad songs and cheesey family sitcoms are making me cry, again. I'm vulnerable and fragile.
I feel like I've dug myself into a hole and what will get me out of this hole is too big and scary and hard. I know that is over simplyifiyng things but I always feel too exhausted to take on anything else in life. This feeling is so paralyzing and constant that I can't imagine ever changing my life. Which continues the cycle of hopelessness.
Today I saw BQ and told him I am taking my cymbalta (good melissa) and he perscribed adderall. i am honestly suprised he did that since it's a very controlled stimulant. But he hopes that a controlled stimulant will give me less of a desire to use meth. I guess this is the test of my theory that meth makes me a better person because of how it stimulates me. Ken, a dude i've mentioned from Julio's office a couple times, gave me a christmas gift. As I was walking out, he called me back and handed me a red paper bag, said it was for me and he made it himself, and told me to have a merry christmas. I've been seeing julio for six years and have never recieved something from him until now. I almost cried it was so nice. I thanked him very genuinelly and added Merry Christmas to my thanks. When I got into my car I opened it up to see home-made fudge. I ate a piece on the way home to prove to myself I can eat it and to show appreciation to Ken's gift.
It tasted wonderful.