2006-12-24, 10:50 p.m.
lately my dad has been spending all his free time on a recliner in front of his stereo. he blasts it louder than most teenagers like their music and holds the remote skipping most songs and singing along to the ones he doesn't.
it's eerie. and odd.
he has been a real prick to me lately. if i tell him i love him, he says something mean back like "great" all sarcastic like, rolling his eyes. and if i pry for an i love you, he says something like "i love you too? question mark?"
christmas is especially hard this year. my family, specifically my mother, has been weighing on my heart a lot these past 6 months. more than it has in the past few years. i knew christmas would be a hard one this year but the depression its brought is so debilitating. i get anxiety stomach and head aches. i tear up extremely easy. i feel like i'm in a fog that skews everything..especially my perception of hope. i get big grand thoughts about how everything is meaningless and i'm going to be in the same spot till i'm an old maid.
and i feel like ken is suffocating me. everytime i ask for an hour to myself he flips out. he is so bloody needy and i'm so sick of it. when i'm trying to get ready in the morning he'll ask me to lay down with him in bed again over and over. i dont have time for that every fucking day. if i'm trying to walk around my room and clean he will be grabbing and pulling and hugging me the whole time till i snap at him and tell him to give me 5 bloody seconds. usually i need more time than i cave into so i'm behind on doing so much. even eating. everytime i sit down to eat he pulls at me.
and when i do get my time alone, i get so lonely. and i realize i don't need time alone as much as i need to see other faces and socialize with someone new. i can't take this relationship seriously when i seriously doubt it will be going places.