2007-01-04, 10:27 a.m.
I hate not updating frequently anymore It feels like I don't exist anymore.
So I update.
Ken and I are still spending an absurd amount of time together. I'm getting short and frustrated with him, not to mention incredibly depressed. I use to get angry at him from keeping me from doing what i want to be doing out in the world..now i'm just so depressed I justifly my staying indoors with the fact he's doing it, too. we end up depressing the hell out of eachother.
a couple weeks ago (i dont' know if i mentioned this already but i'm repeating it) ken and i got in a fight and ken left my house. i wasn't nearly upset as he was (mostly because the fight was SO dumb and i knew i was right) so i just continued to get ready and went to goodwill alone, thinking i'll let him call me. an hour and a half later, i exit goodwil and decide i should call ken. i realized then i left my phone in my car the whole time. when i got to my car, ken had left 8 voicemails and called 22 times, not to mention several text messages. the voicemails were the scariest ones because i could hear his voice....each voicemail progressed from angry, angry and pleading, and then just pleading and crying..begging me to call him back and crying how much he needs me. i called him back before i listened to these and he rushed over to the parking lot where i was listening to the voicemails. he came over to my window and started to kiss me and i sat there like stone. the whole day i barely spoke to him and explained i was trying to figure things out in my head still. that really frightened me. what frightens me more is that whenever i ask to have some alone time, it's like a mini blowup likewise to the one at goodwill: anger, defensiveness, and sadness. i can't imagine what he'd do if i tried to leave him or ask for some time apart.
he's going to some party today - thank god. so i have half the day free. the only reason i haven't told him to take a hike is because i literally have no one else but him. not a single friend. i've pushed away christie and adam and all of the old church people...and i don't really want to be friends with them anymore. danielle stopped talking to me because of speed. speed killed any other potential relationships because i was making speed friends...which werent' real friends so i cut them out. my loneliness is overwhelming and scary. i get afraid that i will never amount to anything and no one will be here to see or help. julio is the one person that keeps me connected to the world.
besides all this crap, christmas was amazing. i spent it with ken's family and they were so nice and so easy to be around (yet so fucked up..which made them more human). it was such a nice nice change from the norm around my home. it made me sad to see what i should of had for a christmas and what family could be like (not perfect, but still family) but it was still a blessing.