2007-01-16, 3:37 p.m.
i just woke up. i remember vaguely waking up at 1030 and listening to two voicemails: one from BQ, my psychiatrist, and another from the dept of WORK rehabilition.... i missed two appts this morning. since ken and i broke up, i'm waking up later and later in the day and not caring. Ken broke my heart and I never thought he would. I took for granted that he was always by my side and treating him meanly at times. he did the same, i think. but now that were not together, i need him to feel like a whole person. he doesn't need me and is doing better. it feels like he only hangs out with me when he has nothing else to do and even then he is always making plans to leave 30min to an hour into our time. every singlke day he tells me he likes me still as a person, he thinks i'm a good person, he is very attracted to me, and this isn't a reflection on who i am directly...BUT(there isalways a but)...he can't handle me right now. Hearing that, despite the disclaimer makes me hate myself. Because of my drugs and my selfishness and my chaos he can't be with me. i fucked up the only thing i had going for me.
i worry about school and wonder if i will get to class. i worry about me sleeping through tomorrows appt with Julio. i'm depressed. and trying to smoke less..which in return i'm sleeping a lot more. i guess it doesn't help that i have pretty much cut my foot intake in half. not really conciously...just whenever i think about eating i get anxious to the point that i don't want to eat. nothing is sounding very good lately...to eat or to do.
i want to hit the reset button on my life. or be one of those tapes that reads it's mission, and self-destructs in 5 seconds after understanding what i have to do.