2007-05-08, 9:55 a.m.

think this is what the AA program calls "rock bottem."
or the closest i willl ever be.
my relationship with my dad has been fucked over by Josh's arrest. I am lying to my dad and ihe knows it. I just ruined the small amount of trust we had finally built.
Jen, the gal who made me feel at home at OA, sent me an email yesterday that made me burst into tears.
Click: http://www.ocregister.com/ocregister/homepage/abox/article_1680430.php
Lori Rae, Jen's sponsor and an amazing, shining good-hearted lady i heard at countless meetings share her life, was killed on May 2.
My honest to god last friend sent me this email and i feel like my heart is collapsing and i can't stop crying long enough to breath. i hate myself so much and i never deserve love or to feel happiness again.


I've thought about writing you something like this for a while. It's
not a fuck you, or a screw off; rather, it's a simple assertion of
fact or, at least, what I consider fact�you may disagree. Hell, I'm
going to bet you decide I'm an asshole after you read this.
You're too fucked up on drugs and self pity to realize that I
actually care about you as a person. This is partially my fault
because allowing us to carry on the sexual part of our relationship
after we broke up wasn't a good idea. You had a part in that, of
course, but you wanted something more out of it than I was willing to
give. I felt like shit because I thought I had been cheated on for the
third time in a row�and, as far as I'm concerned, that could still be
a true�and I was generally depressed. I made impulsive decisions which
we both had already talked about as being bad. I don't hold any of
this against you. I thank you for being there for me when I needed
someone. However, you should take a long hard look at what we were as
a couple.
We weren't a good couple. We were shitty to each other because we
both think we're so fucked up. We're barely friends because neither of
us is comfortable with what we were versus what we are now.
Unfortunately, we take opposite sides on that issue; me being
uncomfortable with what-we-used-to-be and you being uncomfortable with
what-we-are-now. I am never going to be able to give you the emotional
support you want from me because I don't have those kinds of emotions
for you. I have love for you, never forget that, but I'm not in love
with you. I will never be in love with you again.
You have to stop doing that shit. I've said it before, you've said it
before, and people have tried to help you before. You're not going to
change and I'm not going to watch as you lie to me about wanting to
quit just to see you go right back to killing yourself. It's hard but
you have a family who, despite what you might think, loves you in
their own fucked up way and they are willing to help. Deal with them.
Get into treatment.
You are talented and smart and funny when you're not shy, sullen, and
shitting on yourself. You're too fixated on fucking, getting fucked
up, and being fucked up to see that you're a good person. You have
something to offer this godless world but you're too into rotting your
brain with meth and bad vibes. Chill out, smoke some grass, and
In final summation: we should refrain from seeing each other for a
while. Not because I don't want to see you but because we need time
apart so our friendship can take a natural form. This is way too
forced and I don't want to risk being as harsh as I can be. Make some
friends who don't do drugs, get into a treatment program, make some
awesome art, finish a book or five, just go and live your life with
out me for a few months.
Best wishes,


I knew it was coming.