when will it get bad enough?
2007-04-13, 3:37 a.m.

I feel sick to my stomach. My jaw and mouth and head hurts because I only realize that i'm clenching my jaw when the pain gets really bad.
lately i worry about my current health condition and how that will effect me down the road. how i have to have this body for the rest of my life and i feel like a 70 year old grandma. i use to be so flexiable and active. now squating down makes my legs shake, going upstairs leaves me winded, and my body constantly feels like this foreign entity; it's always so stiff and sore and my movements are jerky and unnatural. something always hurts. typing on this laptop, curled up in a ball leaning over my knees, my upper back hurts, my shoulder hurts, and my neck hurts from holding up my neck. my left arm aches as i lean my weight on it.
i never meant for things to get this bad and irreversible. never. not with anything. i really fucked up my life. i'm a failure at everything and it feels like i've dug myself into a hole. the older i am getting, the more real the conesquences are becoming. i'm so sick of where i am at and who i am. i'm everything, i do everything, and i feel and think everything i've always loathed about other individuals. i feel like god needs to hit the reset button on me. i fucked up big time and i need another shot. i feel too tired to do this life again but i can't help but wonder where i could be right now if i did it right the first time. i've spent years pointing fingers...most of the time at my parents, other times mentors, friends, my depression, my parents, my siblings, the poeple who hurt me, and oh, did i say my parents? But it's gotten to this place where it's no longer anyones fault because everyone has pulled out of my life..and every mental stumbling block i've had is something i can understand better and i know how to get over it. The only person rhyme or reason for my quality of life right now is ME. i can't make anymore exusces. everytime i fuck up it hurts worse than it ever has..because i know it's my screw up. another fucking screw up. as if i didn't know better? i can't plead ignorance or a bad childhood anymore. and depsite all that knowledge i'm at a stand still. i hate myself more than i hate my mom and yet i still want to get some parts of this life right...mostly becasuse i know that i have to go through them so might as well make it easier on me. how long will i wait for someone to rescue me? or do all the hard work for me? how long until enough is enough and i grow the fuck up and just DO something that i don't feel like doing. i fucking need to do these things in order to be able to relieve that constant knot in my stomach, feel okay about myself and living in my skin, and just get on with life.