i surrender
2007-02-27, 11:36 p.m.

my supposive AA sponsor told my sister about the drugs. yeah, so much for anonymity and confidentiality.
my sister is upset. i left her house soap-opera style by saying " i can't talk to you if you won't listen" and slammed the door. i'm pretty sure she told my dad, but he would probably never let that be known.

i'm breaking. these drugs and what i need to get them isn't worth it. i have no one and i deserve it. i have used up all my friends and sucked them dry of help and love. and now i really need them. someone.

this is all my fault and i need to take care of it only for me. that idea scares the living hell out of me. i have to do this on my own and no one else can. this was my fuck up and i can't blame anyone or make exusces anymore.

i've been hysterical. i can't think or see straight. i am having trouble eating and sleeping.. sometimes even breathing from crying so hard. and i'm smoking less. not because i am trying to but because if i smoke, i remember why i'm crying.

i see julio tomorrow and my only plan is to surrender. i give up. i don't know what's up or down right or wrong, truth or lies. i can't do this anymore.