moment of clarity
2007-12-23, 9:43 a.m.

What a frekin crazy week. I really want to start journaling again so I thought this week would be a good place to start.
I realized this week I don't need Ken and I need to take a step back and take some of my emotions back that I've invested to him. I can't get what I need from him and it's only hurting me to give so much and get so little back.
With that being said, this is how I came to realize that.
It all started with a myspace message from Christie's older brother Greg. He is 25, graduated from culinary school in NY, VERY attractive,.... and a recovering drug addict. He is on probation and doing drug classes and meetings and really actively working on recovering. We don't do drugs together. I had the biggest crush on him from middle school to now and when I received this message from him, my heart skipped a beat:

"hey Sexy

How have you been. I'm finally working and shit we should get together and hang out. what do you do for fun these days.

Greg "

I replied casually, trying to keep my cool. He replied again with a short message about seeing Beowulf that day and to give him a call, then he wrote his number. I asked him if he was still dating this chick taryn and some other idle chit chat things. He then wrote saying no they broke up he is with this chick Danica. He said "she is way cool she thinks your cute by the way" he talked about finding work and then mentions how his GF wants to "have us all get together some time and Hang out ". and he'll give me a call sometime. He use to call me bubble butt for years and ends the message with "Well Buubbblle Boot. Stay sexy
Much Love Greg
PS my GF wants us all to Hook up !!

I told her I didn't think you would be into it though. anyways call me or I'll call you
So this looks pretty shady now, doesn't it? But it wasn't. it isn't. We all ended up getting together last Monday. We didn't mess around but Greg was groping me under the covers and Danica HELD MY HAND. It was all really surreal.
I need to summarize the rest as best as possible or this will be a ten page entry.
Greg and I were trying to be careful the whole time cause we didn't want anyone to get hurt. Greg told me that he always had a crush on me but couldn't do anything about it since I was Christie's friend. He told me he loved me and cared about me and is so glad I am doing better and that I look better and wants to be there for me. He and his dad and other siblings knew me when I was 80 lbs and throwing up everything I could. It's so surreal to see them all again just without Christie and her mom there. They are all really happy to see me doing better and see me around again. They invited me over to Christmas dinner today.
here is the problemo. I fell for Greg, fast. Danica is a 19 yr old stupid girl who in my opinion was trying to do something nice for Greg by saying she was okay with all 3 of us hooking up. She claimed she was all week and got mad at me and Greg when we were trying to be careful and asked us to stop over thinking things. So we did. On Thursday Greg Danica and I were all sleeping in his bed. Greg and I had sex next to her...we tried to wake her up but she wouldn't and Greg and I dig each other so we just went for it. She woke up mid-fucking but didn't know we had started without her. She jumps in and everything is cool. the next morning when Greg is walking me to my car he tells me how amazing it was to be with just me before Danica woke up and he has fallen for me more and he wants to cook dinner for me sometime and he and I kept agreeing this is too good to be true since he and I had such a connection and were like little kids in love.
Now, later that day Greg fesses up to Danica that we started without her. she gets pissed and goes to a party I was invited to before she found out about this, gets drunk, talks shit on me and her friends offer to beat me up.
BEAT ME UP?!!? She kept insisting she wanted to do this. Later she claims she didn't know Greg and I had such a history together though I was there when Greg told her he use to dig me a lot. She also claims she didn't know that Greg was not the kind of guy who can have non-emotional sex. He said he told her that and how he falls for anyone he sleeps with HARD (and I believe this because he has a memory box of all his past girlfriends and you can tell he loved all of them and thought they were all the ONE). So Greg invited me to that part originally and said to Danica I am going back home to wait for Melissa because I told her I'd be here when she gets here and if she is not welcome at the party then I�ll hang with her at home. Danica was piss ass drunk and livid. Greg and I hang out for a little before Danica calls and tells Greg she needs to talk to him right NOW. Greg says he'll just be thirty minutes and asks me like 6 different times "please don't go. Please stay here. Please I will only be like 30 min whatever you do don't go." So I wait. And wait. And finally fall asleep on his bed. 2 and a 1/2 hours later I wake up and hear him and Danica screaming at each other in the other room. I texted Greg and said I just woke up cold and alone and confused and whatthefuckisgoingon?! Apparently I slept through all the drama. Greg had a god awful day and Danica was being a royal bitch to him all day. Greg said it was one of the worse days of his life (because of a bunch of events unrelated to me and Danica) and Danica was just being a cunt to him in the midst of it. Greg, drunk, on xanax and a shit load of other pills, locks himself in the bathroom and tries to slit his wrists. His dad and Danica were banging on the door trying to get him out of there. He would have gone to the ER if they could afford it. After all of this and Greg and Danica were calmer they enter his bedroom and I keep asking them what the fuck is going on and they were so drunk and tired and emotional they couldn't even say a word. They said they wanted me to be here when they talk about all of this but they want to sober up and get some rest. Greg begs me to stay saying he needs me here to make sure he doesn't hurt himself because right now he doesn't want to wake up in the morning and he doesn't trust himself. It was so fucking hard to make the decision because it was obvious Danica didn't want me there but Greg was begging me to stay and his life was on the line. So I stayed. I woke up around 5 AM hearing Greg bawling. I was so exhausted myself because I hardly slept that week so all I could do was to cozy up next to him and wrap my arm around him and tell him I�m there and we fell asleep like that. In the morning we talked about it all. Danica was in a much better mood and apologized up and down and told me she never thought I did anything wrong and Greg was the one who knew the only rule was don't do anything without her. She said she still wanted us to hang out and be friends and she is really sorry to get me involved in their problems. I told them I don't resent either of them and I care about them both a lot because were all fucking addicts and I see how much their struggling to stay afloat and I�m in the same boat and I understand. God do I ever understand. Greg started to talk about the night before and about killing he and it finally hit me what he wanted to do to himself. I was laying there next to him, he next to Danica in the middle of us and I realized how much agony all of us are in. The three of us laid there just so emotionally drained. We have all tried s o fucking hard to get our lives better and we have so much working against us. I started to cry. I cried because out of all three of us who are bright and strong and had so much promise none of us had any hope. It made me wonder if I�d ever be happy or if they would ever be happy and if all of this is worth it.
Greg and Danica kept telling me were cool we just can't fool around anymore (and even so later on the phone Greg told me nothings changed he still loves me and doesn't want to stop being with me because when it was just us it was amazing and wonderful and we had this connection...god talk about playing with my heart and head).
I got in the car to go. Danica and Greg didn�t see me upset. I told them I don't resent them and I care about them and I was trying to be supportive and positive. I offered to take Greg to meetings cause he has to go to them but doesn't have a car. I offered all that I could to help them because they are ME. And it hurt me so bloody much to see myself in them. They thought I was cool they say they are cool. I get in the car and bawl like a baby. I told Danica after he apology that I know she's sorry and that's all well and good but I�m sort of ticked because when we all walk away from this I am the one who walks away alone. They still have each other. And getting in my car and leaving that day I cried because I didn't want to go back to my life before them. The week with them until the last night was so good. I didn�t talk to ken all week and I learned a lot about myself.
I came home, parked in front of my house, and yelled FUCK!! as loud as I could. I got inside my garage where I noticed my favorite shoes that have been missing in a cardboard box.
I snapped. I ran upstairs where my mom was shoving the shoes in her face demanding to know why she put them in there. My mom called my dad for help because I was threatening her and my dad demanded to know what was going on. All of a sudden it wasn�t' about the shoes it was about my life and how this shit has been going on ALL WEEK with my mom and I�m screaming at them saying "I CAN'T FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS SHIT. I CAN'T COME HOME TO THIS SHIT EVERY FUCKING DAY. I HAVE BEEN TRYING SO HARD TO GET MY LIFE TOGETHER AND I DO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE OF THIS HOUSE AND IT ALL GOES TO SHIT WHEN I COME HOME. WHEN I'M THIRTY AND STILL LIVING HERE DON'T TELL ME TO MOVE OUT DON'T TEL L ME TO GET A JOB BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING BASKETCASE BECAUSE OF HER (I point to my mom) AND YOU (point at dad) BECAUSE YOU WON'T DO A GOD DAMN THING ABOUT IT. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY HOME AND WHAT MY HOME IS DESTROYING MY LIFE AND ANY CHANCES TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER." At this point, I see my dad understands what I�m saying. He isn't getting his usual defensive angry self and he is absolutely speechless. I know he heard me. I close my bedroom door in his face and scream "SHE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE MY MOM. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME. YOU JUST MADE IT SO I'M TRAPPED IN WHAT'S KILLING ME." He starts to say something and I interrupt him and say again "YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO BE MY PARENT!"
My emotions were going a million miles an hour and I�m yelling and throwing my shoes at my door and yelling FUCKKKKKK over and over because life not only sucks but it was working against me.
It finally hit me that this isn't my fault. None of this is. I realized I�m not a bad person and I have a lot to offer friends and relationships because I have a big compassionate heart that wants to help others. I'm a good person and the fact that Ken is such a dick to me has nothing to do with me (see, I got back to my original point). My parents are assholes who fucked me up and I don't know how I am going to reverse that. I feel like I am seeing everything so clearly now (a moment of clarity, if you will) and while I don't know how to fix the damage done by my parents I have peace with it because all the self hate chewing at my innards is gone and I can be angry at them and it feels good to be angry at the rightful source. I realized ya so I don�t have more than a couple friends but that's not because I don't make a good friend or I have nothing to give. It�s because I was hanging out with drug addicts or assholes or I wasn't given a fair chance or ya maybe sometimes people JUST WON'T LIKE YOU. It happens and that's fine.
I told Ken I am seeing things clearly. I told him I can't invest this much of me into him because he can't give me what I need back. I told him I do better dealing with shit alone then with him. I still love him and care about him but I told him I need to take a step back from him.
I seriously feel alive inside for the first time in years and my head feels clearer then ever. Things are making sense to me instead of confusing me. Part of me is angry and sad and defeated and the other half of me is being driven by my anger and pain to say FUCK THIS and finally move on and act like the person I want to be and as the person I have always known exists deep down.