2002-09-20, 10:10 p.m.
god i really am crazy.
i was sitting here thinking mean things about a friend. stuff i shouldn't be thinking about. anyways, i was thinking about how she has the same guilt and fear and feelings of food but half the time she doesn't do anything about it when she over eats (the other half she does purge) and I'm sitting here thinking god! she's crazy! why doesn't she just purge everything?
she's crazy?!?! SHE is crazy?
God look at me! I plan out my binges and what I'll eat daily. I spent atleast 15 dollars a week on binge food on top of the food I eat in my own house. I avoid all my friends, eat away from my parents, in fear of eating things I shouldn't. I don't keep down anything but maybe a few grapes and/or an apple a day. i steal food from my friend's houses so i can eat them later. I stare at people all day and think about how much I want to thin like them. I binge and binge planning on purging telling myself I'll go to sleep afterwards...only to binge again. I say SHE is crazy for keeping food in her? I don't understand, I really don't. My therapist doesn't ask me about me ED at all. He knows, but doesn't ask. He only asks about my mother. He never asked about my cutting either. He has no idea how bad either have gotten. HELP ME DAMNIT!! I'M SCREAMING FOR HELP! I don't know if I want help though. I just want to disapear. Life is too stressful. Too much. I never want to ask him why he doesn't ask me though. I assume he knows what he's doing and I am so afraid of making a fool of myself. I am always afraid of making a fool of myself. I doubt everything I do. I walk into a class and rack my brain to make sure it's the right period even if I see familiar faces. I never open my mouth unless I'm 100% sure about it. I'm so fucked up. Who in the world actually likes going to their therapist? I do. There. I said it. I love seeing my therapist. He makes me feel like I'm worth something. Never has an adult made me feel that way before. I want to please him. Theres my craziness again. maybe I am like my mother.