2001-12-16, 12:28 p.m.

ive never taken the time to realize how pointless and unpurposeful my life is. looking around me and seeing all my friends act the way they do in there also pointless quest (but they just dont realize it) depresses me. i took a pill and a half last night of my anti-depressants. goddamnit all. damnit to hell. i look at myself and all i see is emptiness. It seems like everytime i cut all i see is satan looking through my eyes but strangly its comforting in an disturbing way. atleast i see something when i cut, versus my usual emptiness. god i want to cut, but i dont want to. i want the farmiliar throbbing after it.

im at church. i wish the people would shut up outside, all the old people who cant get up for church till the 10:30 service.

I have no talents. I wish i was able to draw or paint or sing or play a sport. something i can persue and work on to improve. ive always wanted to be able to draw or write poetry. sure i can copy some pictures okay, and once in awhile i pull out a poem thats not terribly horrible, but it seems like im trying to force talents on myself. i have so much to do today and im sitting here writing an online journal no one is ever going to care to read about. i have to goto some stupid girls house to record a spanish video for spanish...obviously. It has to be "noticiero" news or something. I got volunteered to do weather. ah. o.o