2001-12-19, 5:28 p.m.

so im going home. i still cant believe it. i cut myself again. this time on my writs, i followed my deep green blue vein from my hand till i could see it anymore. it wasnt deep enough to do any harm, except bleed alot, it still is bleeding and i was feeling dizzy earlier. it wasnt my intention to die, i dont know what my intention was, i guess ive just always wanted to cut along my veins. id almost rather die then go home, though.

i spilt juice all over the carpet, damnit. thank god the carpet is mixed browns and you cant see it.

ive all i had is 8 crackers with cheese today, i am so proud of myself. i wish i could have the strength to eat nothing like some people do, but im weak. my goal is to get down to 95. im only 5 feet tall so that isnt that much.

i have to goto church tonight and deliver presents to less fortunate families. i dont feel like doing it and smiling, i feel like sleeping and cutting myself. infact, after i get off i think ill go upstairs and put my clothes away and cut and take a nap till i have to go. i love the throbbing feeling as i fall asleep. im going to read other peoples diaries for 10 min or so then im going to cut and goto bed. night.