2002-12-25, 9:30 p.m.

last night around 5 i took 6 aleve and my anti-depressant medicine all at once that i hadnt took for 3 days. i dont know why i did it, but i wanted to pass out, or see if my body would react. it did. i had a terrible stomach ache for longer then 24 hours...i thought i was going to die. i called my youth pastor like 3 times in the middle of the night. one time, my body was sweating, i was really cold, i had the chills, and i had the blankets off. i couldnt move, and i could hardly breath. i was so scared i was going to die. i do want to die, but i dont want to kill myself.

i will never


never ever

do that again. it was so scary. i think i might've permently done something to my stomach, because it still is kinda uneasy. everytime i think about pills i feel like throwing up.

i wanted to see my therapist so fucking bad. And why do I want to? I dont know. i guess it gives me some hope, i guess when i see him i dont feel responsible for my life and how it turns out the next day. i have to go do driving school tommorow. blah. i have so much homework and this guy is stalking me to come over. hes freaky and ugly. nothing seems right, and i want to cut. i feel so empty, like half of my heart got ripped out. nothing makes sense and i hate it. bleh. im downloading emo music, stuff i can listen to as i fall asleep. depresses me, but hey..what doenst lately?

i hate this. fuck you