2002-01-25, 8:36 p.m.

This is so odd. for the first time in my life, i am not confused to a certain extent. for the first time in my life, i know everything is not okay, and everything is going to get worse, and theres nothing i can do about it. i go through the motions of everyday feeling empty and trapped and scared and every negative emotion in the world possible to feel, and realize that i am so goddamn scared and this is never going to change. its almost peace from all the confusion, but then tears from how hard things are going to be. im just waiting to get better. i goto therapy, dont feel like killing myself for an hour, and then leave, feel like killing myself, and wait for therapy all over again. i dont know whats with the enviorment there, its just so peaceful. i could sit in the waiting room for godsakes and feel better than i do at home. i could sit outside the building, in the rain, in the gutter, soaking, sick, and feel better than i do in my warm, secure, nice, room. theres something wrong with that.... and everytime i goto therapy, and work up all this strength to say what i need to say, and nothing comes out. but this week (next actually, for some reason im not going in for 2 weeks) im going to tell him. im going to say everything is fallign apart, im so fucking scared, im going through the motions of everyday, i want to get away, what the hell am i suppose to do? yes. i have to. goddamnit i wish someone could put a gun to my head and go "SAY IT FOR GOD SAKES!" i will. i will. okay typing it a hundred times wont help. okay. im going to bed. have to wake up early. ahve to run away. have to stop thinking about my insanity.