2002-03-19, 7:54 p.m.
Everyday requires more energy then I can handle. This depression is so constant and SO hard it suprises me when I get through one more day.
Everytime I hear my "mother" 's voice, I feel as if I have to cut off my ears and cut my body up before I stop hearing her voice repeat in my head all night.
Usually, thats what i end up doing. Not my ears, though.
Im a complete failure, and I know its becaue I dont try. But how can anyone expect me to function with a broken heart? How can you expect me to smile with so many tears in my eyes?
The hopelessness is so strong, so powerful. Its like someone sticking a leech on your arm and asking you to ignore it. Its impossible to avoid.
I guess I don't really want to kill myself. But like a book I read said "i just don't know how i am going to live."
Its funny, really, I get in so many discussion at my Sunday night fellowship group my youth pastor actually asked me to stop asking questions that i know will trigger discussions because its "not helpful to the other girl's faith and they cannot participate." ya, because they are close minded. Fuck it. He said he wants to answer my questions so we can meet other times and "discuss any questions i have about the bible study of that week."
I wanted him to tell me to bite me, but I said "i dont care anymore."
I am now vowing to never speak during Bible Study again. If I did, it'd be a lie. Either that, or quit.