2002-05-10, 1:13 a.m.

who am i becoming? it seems as if im turning into some weird beast. it seems as if...i am....turning into my...mother. I imagine this ishow my mother was when she was my age. Obsessing so much over like turning into her mother, denys obvious things that are like her mother, than deny's its her fault when she destroys her kid. Its going to be me. I see it getting worse and worse day after day. Overeating - I bet she overate. Look how chunky she is. The obsessive cleaning but not really cleaning because you dont scrub deep down to the dirty places, just organizing things, putting things away. Its 1:00am. What kid gets up and HAS to clean her room? I question voices around me and look at others around me to see if they heard them too. The pictures and things i see are just my mind playing tricks on me. Im normal. Im normal.

please be normal

i cannot not be normal

I cant be like my mother

what if i pass out? who will find me? I cannot breath.

panic attack. calm down.

im starting to calm. force myself to calm down.

i cry everyday. every fucking day.

force myself to be okay

force myself to relax

force myself to be okay

cutting is okay

crazy thoughts okay

cleaning at 1am okay

voices okay

images okay

depression okay

IM OKAY! please, be okay.

...what's wrong with me?