2002-06-23, 10:09 p.m.

I'm afraid of feeling better.

there, i said it.

I'm afraid of being happy. because then i will be nothing. then i won't have this sadness to crawl up with. damnit, i like it. i know i like it.

that's why...I never took my last anti-depressant. I took it...regularly for awhile...and was afraid...of feeling i stopped.

this entry has turned into confessions.

okay, another confession. the only reason im taking this anti-depressant (day 6, still nothing) is because one of the side affects is loss of appetite. im hoping for the loss of appetite.

another confession. i want to be so depressed i lay in bed all day and cry and feel sorry for myself and don't care what people think about it. i want to be tooken away to some hospital where i am difficult and refuse to talk and mope around and pretend im sicker then i really am but in reality just enjoying myself.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

i don't think i should put this entry in.

meh..what does it matter anymore