2002-06-24, 1:28 p.m.
It's really helpful to know I'm not alone in these feelings of not wanting to recover. Thanks Claire and Jessica.
Right now, I'm really ticked. How do I go from 100 to 102 in one day? Damnit. I eat remotely normal for one day and it all gets fucked up. I know I didn't eat 3500 calories so how did I gain so much weight? Argh. I can't write anymore.
right now, I can't help but to think how real things are. it sounds silly, but after reading a book, i reliaze how real my pain is. im not some story in a book with a happy ending and have a safe character with a therapist that makes me feel warm and fuzzy. this is real and my pain is real. my therapist doesn't make me feel warm and fuzzy and he probably never will. each day is going to get worse and I don't have a happy ending to look foward to. i can't hide in my bed all day today and tommorow because my character isnt safe like the one in the books, things are consistent and things won't work out. i can't do the dramatic things in the book that are so romantic and nice with being sad, because this is real. there isnt a guarantee of a happy ending. and i can't do anything about it.