everything and anything
2002-10-19, 10:07 a.m.

I wake up feeling stiff and uncomfortable with my thick sweats twisted around me and my top half freezing from my thin t-shirt. My eyes feel sore and hot and swollen and it hurts to try to open them and look at the clock. 9:20. Why am I up so early? I try to fall back asleep and draw my arms to my side and across my stomach for warmth. Immediatly i start pinching and feeling. My stomach is huge. my thighs I know are worse. Ugh. I try to fall asleep but I can't get the dream I had out of my head last night.

My friend had a cart full of muffins, cupcakes, and cookies. Full of different frostings and sizes, sprinkles and no sprinkles. From the smallest cookie to unimaginable huge muffins. I wanted one. But first I had to figure out the puzzle around the edge of the cart. I had to put pencils where it was marked "pencils" and other odds and ends. It'd beep if I got it wrong. When I finally finished, I got to chose anything I wanted. I dove towards a HUGE muffin, probably the size of a human head, with thick white fluffy frosting and sprinkles. I was trying to figure out how I could take it home in my car and binge. Then I woke up.

I decided my goal for today is to drive around my city looking for a gym. A gym I like, it's close, and most importantly, it's cheap. My dad won't go for anything expensive. I'll go online and print out directions to every gym in a 5-10 mile radius.

I stiffly get out of bed, open my door to things falling that my dad places on the handle. 20 dollars, a postcard, and a picture of him at one of those cheap tourist things with the mexican dude, him wearing a sombrero, and holding alcohol. He's laughing. My dad is laughing. I pick up the 20 bucks and think "that's it? cheap bastard" and start to read the postcard addressed to my sister and I. Immediatly I am attacked by my mom about which kind of towel I have in my room. She has to buy more towels. She's obsessive about towels. Alway replacing, always insisting we need more. I tell her to stop throwing away our little money on towels. she said some had holes. I ignore her placing the money and picture in my room and continue to walk to the shower (after locking my door) reading the postcard. She keeps nagging me "well? what kind of towel is it?" she won't quit and I eventually tell her to shut up about the god damn towel and she calls me mouthy. The postcard reads:

Hi M & M (my sister's name is Michelle)
Wish you were here...and I was home! Hot and humid, but it's okay, it's a "wet" heat. Not so bad though, you get used to it and the room is air conditioned. Did city tour, marquita cruise; jungle tour on thursday. Driving not as bad as I was led to believe, but we still did not rent a car. Taxi! Taxi! 60 Pesos? Food is good (Not cheap at mayan palace!) ate at senior frogs last night. Nice sunsets, no rain or hurricanes (so far!) please take care, I love you*, and take care of Sandy! [[my dog]] See ya and friday night. Dad" Off to the side, like he decided last minute to add this comment, is where the asterick follows. It reads "*more so then you know!" Whatever that means? It feels like he tries to act like he hates going places with my mom, but not enough to stand up to her, but then he still needs to keep on his daughter's side's who hate her. So he makes fun of it all.

I weighed myself [[98 again]], jumped in the shower, scorn at my fat, got out. Came into my room, through up my hair, put on my pajamas and a tank top, and now here I am.

Julio said he didn't trust me at a gym because I'd huff and puff and lose more weight. Uh..ya...that's the point? I'll show him. I'll join a gym and lose lots of weight before I see him. I've lost 15 lbs since I've started seeing him and he's never made a comment about it. Except someone who works at the office did and he just kind of raises his eyebrows.

He wants me to do weight watchers [[healthy]] and that way I can lose the weight I want and stop throwing up. I told him they make you restrict and I'm use to eating whatever I want in large quanities. He said "Uh..ya. But what other choices do you have? Either quit your behavior alone or with people helping you" I said "I have other choices" And he said "Well what are they! I'll do it with you if you think of something!" Now, Julio is severly over weight, and I don't think I've ever heard him make a comment about it this whole year I've seen him, though I think about it everytime i see him and wonder how he can be so huge and so happy. I guess he has a lot more than I. Friends, joy, ...that don't revolve around his appearence.

Anyways, this entry is lengthy. I gotta do my hair and such and go on my gym hunt. But not until after I observe our groceries after shopping and consider a binge....