2002-10-21, 7:32 p.m.
i have no motivation to update.
because updating hurts too much.
i don't want to think.
i just want to die.
i'd take my life how it was before saturday night in a heartbeat.
im eating. normally. probably over eating. i'm gaining. like crazy. i'm 102 right now. i was 100 this morning. fat fat fat pig. i can't stop and i'm too tired to care. but i do care. but i guess not enough. i took 6 laxatives. i wish i didn't because now i'll be up in pain all night and i just want to sleep. it's 7:30. i took 2 sleeping pills. i should sleep. by 8 be tired. i'm hoping ill fall asleep by 8. i can't be awake much longer. i'll get 11 hours of sleep if i go to bed by 8. and i'm still praying for an opening at my therapist office. i don't know what he'll do but i just know i need to go. maybe he'll lock me up. doubt it. but i'm wishing. i should really shower. and wash my blood stained clothes. but meh. i shouldn't of took these laxatives. i just want to sleep. i don't care if i'm fat. i just want to sleep. i'll throw my shirt in the wash and hope the three day old stain of blood will come out. please, someone, kill me. you can have everything i own. everything.please.