2002-10-22, 7:51 a.m.

i hear this beeping. and it's driving me mad. what the fuck is that. i don't hear it. it doesn't exist. but its this persistant, quick, beeping. i washed my hair finally. and took a shower finally. after 4 days. it feels good to be clean. but it took so much effort. my own smell was getting to me, though. I finally got to see my body. bruises everywhere. black and blue and purple. i'm hungry. im thinking about taking diet pills but i don't want to feel worse than i already do. I was 99 this morning. gaining gaining gaining. fuck up fuck up fuck up. i want to try to lose, try to focus on this instead of everything, but it's impossible. i just keep hearing "you fucked up everything for you and your family. you are such a fuck up." over and over. and then with weight gain it's like...fuck up fuck up fuck up. i just want to eat. but i don't want to gain. fuck. i'll take 4, instead of my usual 7 or 8. and hope that does something. fuck it. i don't want any i'm not taking any. i'll eat. fuck no i should take them. FUCK. i can't think. i'm losing my mind. i got to get ready. my ride will be here in 14 min.