2003-10-05, 10:11 p.m.
Lately things have been such a mess.
I don't have friend's anymore. M, A, and C all hang out together. I'm never invited. The rare times C does call me I get angry because she calls me out of the blue and wants me to drop everything to hang out. When I don't, she gets pissed off. oh well. It's only every few weeks. I saw all of them last night. That was weird.
My parents are being assholes. They make me feel worthless and the biggest mistake ever. My mom calls me names like stupid, idiot, and crazy. her voice ringing with insults echoes in my head for the rest of my life. My dad is always pissed off at me and uninterested in anything I ever say or do.
I've been really deprssed lately. I can't quit crying. I feel like nobody wants me and I just can't do anything right. Thoughts of suicide frequent my mind. If my own parents can't love me, who ever will?
I feel so fat and huge but people keep saying how thin I am. I got angry today at this lady at Church. She was taking blood pressures so I had mine done. She said "I can tell just by looking at you that it will be low. You're a tiny thing" Then she asked me afterwards if I get frequent headaches. I said yes. She said "do you find if you eat something they go away?" what was she suggesting? ugh.