I've lost all meaning
2003-11-02, 5:46 p.m.

oh my god. i hate my work. i've worked two days and i want to quit. i'll stick it out for a few for months. or something.

i'm so depressed. so fucking depressed. i've gone from manic to just depressed. i can't face the day. i wake up and get in the shower, and just sob. i get on the floor of the shower and sob. i can't face the day. my mom is outside of the bathroom yelling "MELISSA ARE YOU OKAY?" i want to kill her. no, she's making me not okay.

i get out of the shower and my hands are shaking. i try to put on mascara but i'm sobbing all over again.

everything has lost meaning.

im so lonely. i've never been more lonely. it hurts so much. it feels like i've been abandoned by everyone. when my dad walks quickly ahead of me in the supermarket, i have to rush to keep up with him constantly. he never waits for me and i break into tears. he looks at me puzzled. i feel stupid. i can't help it. i'm such a mess lately. i need to get back onto antidepressants. but i have no motivation to make life better. i really want to die. i just want to off myself.

i consider all the ways to die. they look better everyday.