2003-12-09, 6:24 p.m.
*EDIT* Tommorow is my 2 YEAR DIARYLAND ANNIVERSARY So...let's see if I've grown. Am I...
Happier? Hard to tell. I think in certain ways I am.
More mature? Defiently. I've grown a lot. I am more aware of things with my mom. I've overcome a lot.
Thinner? I've lost...like 20 lbs. My weight has fluctuated a lot though.
Am I glad I joined diaryland? Oh my gosh, ya. I've stored so many memories, met so many friends, and have learned so much from looking back. Happy Anniversary Melissa!
So, I survived giving Julio and the gang that works at his office (that I know and knows me) their gifts today. I gave Julio's gift first when I went in for our session. He seemed to really like it. He got a kick out of the decorated altoid tin, and the home made marble magnents that said his name. He thought I bought them at first which was a huge compliment. He also really liked the DVD. I had to have Julio help me give the rest of the gifts to the office staff. He helped me figure out what to say to them. ("Well what do you want to say?") and then got their attention when I gave their gifts. I felt kind of dumb, but I was seriously petrified. Julio said he could see my hands shaking. They were all really nice about it. They seemed to really like it. I got a hug from one of them. Another, Julio's wife, was telling Julio to put up a metal bar for her magnents. She also said she already ate her cookies by the time I was leaving. It made me feel relieved about how much I was freaking about the whole ordeal. After all that, Julio literally dragged me away by taking my hand and pulling me back into the office for our session. I laughed. We talked a bit how scary it was for me. He said it was really nice.
Besides all of that, my appointment consisted of talking mostly about my fights with my mom recently, bulimia, and medication.
Recently, my mom and I had this huge brawl where she told me she was going to send me to a foster home. Um. Ow. That hurt. Lately I'm at the end of my rope with my mom. I want to move out. Julio is all for that. He said he'd be cheeering all the way behind me with that decision. My home is nothing but destructive. While I am here, though, Julio says I need to learn to take my mom's comments and get angry at her, not myself, and disconnect myself from her. I think I'm starting to learn to direct my anger better though.
I was really honest with where I am with bulimia. I told him how sick and tired I am of this and how I just can't fight this. I told him how the routine has just defeated me. He wants me to go to OA. I told him that I can't work the program, I can't beat this. I'm just exausted. He said bring my body there, then. That's step one. I don't even feel like doing that.
I was talking about how I can't even fathom how many times I've probably thrown up. Everyday, atleast once, up to 3-4 times a day, for about 20 months. *shudder* Julio said "Do you see that this is not about your weight yet? you lose 3 lbs and you think you look bigger then ever. You're addicted. this is out of control. i'd love to see you make some kind of new years resolution regarding this."
i just buried my face into my hands. i don't want to think about this.