2004-01-05, 10:26 p.m.
I have nothing.
I just keep putting up with my god damn mom screaming at me, insulting me, throwing things at me, breaking me, making me cry.
My dad is pretending nothing is happening.
He turns his head from my mom and tells me to cut it out when I freak out at her. When I scream at her to stop acting crazy, tell her to stop yelling at the neighbors. When I yell at her and fall at the ground sobbing, my dad tells me to be strong and blames it all on me. He doesn't do a god damn thing.
I keep struggling at school, trying to get to school, and trying to keep up my grades.
Then there is me. I'm eating everything in site. I buy food, stuffing myself to the brim and beyond every night. It's a ritual I've kept for way too long. For months, every day. Late at night I prepare tons of food. I'm so god damn tired of it. Why do I work myself up? I'm watching my hair fall out, watching myself getting weaker, wondering if I'll end up in a hospital. Feeling so utterly alone wondering if my friends will ever call me again.
Why worry? Why get upset? Why cry anymore, Why struggle to carry on? I'm so worked up. I've been struggling long enough. Every night I fight not to feel. I lay in bed and fight off all the bad feelings so I can sleep. I toss and turn with tears filling my eyes because I'm so scared. I see my future diminishing infront of me. This is all stupid. I have nothing left. There is just one answer left for me.
I just need to die. The question left is: how?