2004-03-24, 1:30 p.m.
This is the last straw. I'm locking my diary, no question about it.
My youth pastor, one of the ones who struck the fond deal of either seeing a doctor or making me go to meetings reguarly (and if I didnt follow through telling my dad about my ED), wanted to meet with me today. Fine, it gives me a chance to give him a piece of my mind.
I go, in a pissy mood because I didn't get enough sleep and because I don't want to go. We greet, cordially. He says he asks If I'm uncomfortable.
"Oh. I am" He laughs.
He said he wanted to meet with me because he's concerned. Blah blah. I hear a lot of that lately. He understands I'm doing the best I can with this. He wants to pray with me. I interrupt.
"If you understand I'm doing the best I can, then why are you forcing upon this deal?"
"Well..I feel it's best you see a medical doctor.."
"...That's basically blackmail."
Now he's starting to get mad.
He talks about how much he cares. Then he starts to say how I'm killing myself how he's going to save me! Hah! I tell him that I don't need him to save me. He asks me what kind of health I am in. I say it's none of his buisness. I tell him he has no idea what this is like. No idea what it's like to live with this everyday. And I want to see him go through this every day, battle this disease, and do any better. He even said I'm doing the best I can, so why enforce more upon me?
He said he did research online so he has a small idea. HAH! I said, research is shit. You have no idea. He said he typed in my name and he read my diary, and i'm killing myself.
I lost it. I fucking lost it. I started swearing at my youth pastor. The youth pastor that I use to spend hours on the phone with in the middle of the night sobbing. The youth pastor that I've gone on with retreats, laughed with, cried with, shared so many details with. Gone through with so much. We shared so many inside jokes, so.frekin.much. He is now my enemy.
"YOU FUCKING JERK. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU INVADED MY PRIVACY. YOU DID WHAT?!"
I sprang up out off the couch and headed for the door.
I leave his office, slamming the door behind me. I hear him saying wait, and he follows me out. I'm taking my keys out of my purse and heading for my car. I get to my car and he is asking me to wait at my car.
I yell at him about wanting him to leave me alone, invading me privacy, ect, ect. That's when I see the pastor of my church heading out of the main office. He must've heard the commotion.
I know him sort of well. I've met with him before, and he gives me hugs and smiles on sunday mornings.
He approaches me calmly, yet with caution. He talks with me a bit, asks me some questions. I bite my lip and stare down the gravel. I shake away tears and shake no to his questions. My youth pastor stands there like an idiot. Finally my pastor asks if I want to talk with him in his office. I agree, because I don't think I have a choice. He asks if I want my youth pastor there. I say no.
We talk a bit. He tells me I have a demons bothering me. Sitting on my shoulder saying i'm worthless, that i should give up. blah blah. I nod politely. He prays over me. I'm going back in an hour to get officially prayed for.
I left the church without going into my youth pastors office.
So I'm locking my diary. I'll send you all the password who requested.