2004-03-31, 7:31 p.m.
It's nearing the end of my binge, and the high of the "must.have.food." is over. I'm now at point "I wish I just went to bed" of the binge. I've also reached the familiar sensation of my left leg going numb. It happens whenever I binge in the same place of my leg: the thigh of my leg, only one part of it. I wish I could say it was just a small patch of my leg, but it's nearly the whole top half of my left leg, including the knee. I can't feel it at all, as if someone gave me a shot of novacaine. I can still walk, but if I poke it, it's feelingless. Recently, something has added to my numbness. As I'm stumbling pregnent bellied and sick to the bathroom after bingeing, I get these shots of pain down my leg where it's numb. It was subtle at first, but now it's getting to a point where it's every step I take, making it impossible to walk a long distance till I've purged (or maybe it just takes awhile to wear off?).
I wanted to go downstairs to get some milk, and that was a journey. I had to walk by my parents without looking like something was wrong. I nearly dragged my leg and wanted to cry out in pain, but they were too busy to notice. Sadly, I came down for a second trip to put away pizza, bread, and some soup. My mom made a comment about the quanity of food. She didn't do it out of concern either, she said it nastily, to point out how much I was eating. I snapped back, while my leg was in agony "you should talk. look at how much you eat everyday." that shut her up. I really think my mom is a compulsive over eater. she eats several sevings of everything, tries to hide how much she's eating, and is embarresed by it. I think she made her comment to try to hide her own insecurities. Plus probably to get back at me for not eating during the day and making her uncomfortable, and my nasty comments. In addition, when I make binge cookies, I won't share even one with her. One time she kept asking for one, and I kept resisting. I think she was embarresed but it was apparent she wanted one. I got pretty nasty about it. I will not share my binge food! Hah.
Bleh. I just took 4 careful steps to the window and I had 2 sharp pains to pay for it. What's going on?