2004-04-26, 7:27 p.m.
I can't put into words how bad these last few days have been.
Last night I was so fucking exausted when I went to purge. It was 12:30 and I had to be up 6 hours later. I could not, in anyway, miss my 1st period class. But I was so, so, so tired. Can't explain the exaustion I felt and how much I didn't feel like purging. I started sobbing and bashing my head against the toilet seat and towel rack and the wall and anything hard. I didn't want to go through with it. I considered letting the food set and just going to bed but I knew I couldn't/wouldn't let myself do that.
I somehow made it through the night.
I got into bed and tried to get to sleep but I ended up laying on my back sobbing. I couldn't stop. I smashed my pillow into my face to absorb the tears and stop the sound from traveling through the house but I kept sobbing and sobbing. You know how people say they cried themselves to sleep, but usually they stop crying, then fall asleep? But i think i got so exausted from crying, i literally cried myself to sleep.
This morning my alarm clock didn't wake me up, so I woke up late, exausted, swollen eyed, and dreading school. The day was a blur. I saw the school counselor during fourth. I talked openly and honestly, because I didn't care. I told him how last night the only thing that stopped the panic in my heart was telling myself I'll kill myself tommorow, everything will be okay, because i'll be dead tommorow. I'll just kill myself. He said he went to a funeral over the weekend, and he doesn't need two funerals this year. He didn't say it meanly, he seemed concerend. He said it's okay if I don't get through the last month or so and need to go to a hospital. But we both agreed it'd be best to just get through the year and get my diploma. Then I blurted out "I think I'm going to wind up in a hospital" I broke down sobbing in the middle of that sentence. I've never admited it out loud. I feel stupid crying to him because it doesn't seem like the right place to cry. He said it was okay, but I still felt like I shouldn't. I tried to control myself, and eventually did, but all I felt like doing was crawling in my bed and sobbing. Saying it outloud made it so real. I'm so scared. I'm so scared. I'm going to die. I'm not going to make it. I'm going to a hospital. I'm scared for tonight. I can't do one more day of this. Tommorow looks black.
I walk across the parking lot and wish someone would hit me in their car.
Mr. Kaplan, school counselor, was even saying I'm just so tired. That this is just wearing me out emotionally and physically.
And he's right. I've never been so sick of this, so tired, and so ready to quit in my life. I don't want to do this anymore but I can't stop and I hate myself, I hate this, I hate my life, I hate today.
I've never been so ready to die then today. Then yesterday. Then tommorow. Right now, at this present time, I can not think of one reason to live. I have a million reasons to die, but not one single reason to live.
God, take my life.