2004-05-02, 10:41 p.m.
I feel like tons is going on, but I'm staring at this blank box with no words.
I'm so afraid lately. I don't know what's going to happen to me, but I know I'm so far into my eating disorder I know somethings going to have to happen, and I'm scared as fuck. Julio isn't going to help me, school counselor can't help me, and me? I'm a fucking mess. During the day, I struggle to get myself to school, to not eat, then to get my binge food, to get my money for my binge food, to throw up my binge food, and then to get to bed alive. Meanwhile, I'm suppose to be doing homework, hiding this from friends and family, and putting on a happy face.
I'm exausted. I'm breaking inside. This is tearing me apart.
From the moment I wake up and the second my head hits my pillow, all I can think is "Kill me. I want to die. I hate my life." All day, I think about dying and killing myself. I'm truly sick of this life. And it's all my fault. I've created this hell hole.
Today I went up to my dad and asked him about Accutane and what he thought about me going on it. We talked about it for awhile, him bitching about me taking my vitamins and how it's just a temporary fix. Finally he got all pissy and shouted "It's going to cost a fortune to fix all your problems." Cool. That was real cool. That changed my views on a lot of things. Before I thought if I ever needed treatment for my eating disorder, he'd be okay with it. But now I know It'd just be another burdan and he wouldn't understand in the least.
Last night I was going laundry at like, 2 AM. My mom came out of her bedroom, looking at me like I'm some kind of stranger. Sure it was 2 AM, but I'm always up this late. She gave me this look like "what the fuck are you doing. you don't belong here." so i snapped at her "What the fuck is your problem?" and she said "the gays and the cops are babbling because you're up!"
God. I'm so sick of having a crazy mother. I'm sick of living here. I'm sick of this life. I'm sick of throwing up every night. I'm sick of not sleeping. I'm sick of school. I'm sick of being alive. I'm sick of being too coward to kill myself.