2004-05-04, 7:03 p.m.
Somedays I wake up to go to school, get ready, and when it is time to go, I decide I am just not going to go. I think about sitting in class and think about all those people, and I can not fathom myself going. I know as I sit there putting the final touches on my hair infront of my mirror, and I'm sitting there thinking about how impossible school feels, that I'm not going to end up there that day. Those are the days, ironically, I feel the most productive. I want to go out and do things. Go to barnes and noble and browse books, take a walk on the beach, or lay on my lawn and read. Anywhere but school sounds so lovely. Today I listed a purse on ebay and visited my youth pastor at Church. When he went to his staff meeting and left me in his office, I took 15 dollars out of his drawer. Then I wandered the Jr High Leader's office, looking for something to take. I found a diet coke under his desk, and took that too.
I can't stop taking things lately. It's like I want to take things. I yearn for things that aren't mine. After I saw the school counselor yesterday, the school was pretty empty. It was past when most people had classes, except the band-o's. I went into the band hall to use the bathroom, but it was locked. Then I saw the band people's purses and backpacks lined up against lockers outside their classrooms. Some were open showing makeup and things. My heart raced and ideas popped in my mind. I walked away, shoving the idea out of my mind. I used the office bathroom, but then found myself back into the hall. "A quick peek" I told myself. I unzipped a purse and saw a dollar. I snatched it up quickly, looked around, zipped it up, and walked away with my heart pounding.
All the way home I was shaking. Driving, walking, everywhere, I couldn't stop. It was just a dollar, I kept reminding myself.
This morning my dad give me 12 dollars, I took 15 from my youth pastor. I bought binge food. I spent 10 on a sweatshirt.
Now I have 6.00. How is that possible? I have to be forgetting something. But I'm not. I need to get gas to go to Julio's tommorow. 5.00 more dollars, minimum, to make it there and back.
1.00 for my diet coke for my binge tommorow.
I want to take back today and start over.
Or better yet, 2 years ago. I found my old paper journal from 2 years ago. I was talking about envying those who had the power to starve themselves or make themselves throw up. I kept trying and trying to make myself throw up. I bought salt rocks to drink salt water (heard that made you sick), I started purging small amounts things little by little. I kept trying, over and over. I talked about "wanting to purge but waited to long". I restricted my food, recorded how mcuh I ate. Talked about goal weights. I mean, I guess that's me right now, but I could get out then. I was so nieve then. I didn't know how much trouble eating disorders were. I wanted one then. I just dived right into starving myself. The less I ate the better. I abused diet pills. I was so happy about weighing 101. I wanted to get down to 95. My heighest weight I could see recorded was 108.
I've lost 25 lbs from this eating disorder. 108 down to 83. Jesus Christ. And I still think I'm fat. How did I look to myself then?
This entry is all over the place. I guess it's all about regret. Tommorow I see Julio. I feel like I have a million things to say, but when I try to pinpoint just one, I can't even write it.