"You will suck the life out of me"
2004-05-05, 8:50 p.m.

I went to Julio's irritable, depressed, and tired. I don't know if that was because I decided I don't want to take my medication anymore, and so I didn't take it last night and this morning. My topomax keeps me pretty calm, and maybe without it I was antsy and irritable.

For some reason, because Julio didn't take me into his office right away (as he usually doesn't) that ticked me off. So I took the key to the bathroom because I knew I had to wait.

I sat in Julio's office while he got coffee. He left the door open so I could see the open door of another theraist across the hall. She was walking in and out while her patient waited on the couch with a magazine. The therapist is probably in her late mid 50's, but she keeps up with her looks. I see her a lot. She smiles at me. When she finally looked like she was going to settle in, she took out a lipstick from her purse, reapplied, blotted her lips, took out a notebook, then closed the door. I wondered what it'd be like to have her as a therapist instead of Julio. When I first saw Julio, he asked if I'd like for him to recommend me to another therapist or see him, since his scheduel was kind of full. I said him, cause I already met with him. I could have changed my whole future with that one word. I could be sitting across the hall with the lipstick lady. I don't think I'd like to be with her. She'd make me feel self-concious.
Julio was taking longer then usual. Ken, his best friend, and the guy who works behind the desk, was singing. "If I was a doctor..." or something. He poked his head in and asked me if I liked his song. I smiled and said very much. Finally Julio came in with coffee in hand.

Julio and me talked about how my dad makes me feel like a burdan and being assertive. I argued he won't listen, so I might as well tell the wall how I FEEL. He said it's important to tell the person, it has power, how YOU FEEL even if they don't listen. We talked about my mom, and how she hits my weak spot of pointing out how horrible my face looks. We talked about how crazy she is, and sometimes, both me and Julio feel sorry for her. We talked a bit about my future and college and I got angry and argumentive saying how my future looks bleak because I have no one to move in with, college will suck because it's a junior college with all the kids I go to HS with. He kept saying how things will change this next year, how things have promise, how i can meet people. I said that's assuming. Things didn't change last year, how do we know about next year? He kept saying different places, bfgkhjfghf.

When I told him how my dad got all mad about me wanting to go on accutane, and saying my problems cost a fortune, and that makes me think if I'd ever need any extra help he wouldn't do it, Julio didn't look puzzled or ask what kind of help. He just said "Well, that's the thing with your dad, he puts up a fight but he always caves in. He just bitches and moans on the way and makes you feel like crap about it." I just said "I don't want to feel like crap about it." because that's what is so hard. Feeling like a constant burdan.

I admited to Julio that the problem with my leg wasn't just a problem, it happened when I b/p. He thought maybe an ulcer, since it has to do with my stomach, and maybe it's sending pain signals else where? I dunno. He is all for for me seeing my friend's boyfriend's dad who is a doctor, though. So we'll see how that goes...

Erm. I dunno when I'm seeing Julio next. Schedueling got messed up. Could be up to a month.

I'm going to go listen to love line and purge. I can't miss school tommorow due to being up late again. Cannot. Will not.