2004-05-13, 2:24 p.m.
Oh god, I'm so scared.
I went to see my drug doctor today. Julio has me see him regularly, but the last few times I've seen him, we don't even talk about the medications I'm on. He kept prodding for me to tell him what's going on with me, but I didn't know what was appropriate to say so I just said I Don't Know. He then suggested topics, school, friends, family. I gave him a brief synopsis of how those things are going, not getting into much detail. He seemed frustrated that I we weren't getting anywhere. He talked about how I have all these secrets and I have to keep all these things a secret. I was confused, this is my drug doctor, not therapist. What am I suppose to say? So that's what I said, "What do you want me to tell you, that I feel like things are falling apart and I'm scared." I got teary eyed saying that.
We talked about my eating disorder and how things aren't getting better. He said to me if outpatient isn't working, then what we usually do is some kind of day treatment. And if that doesn't work, then full inpatient. Before I could put up an argue about my parents knowing, he said I'm 18 and I can make my own decisions. Then we talked about how my dad would react to more treatment. I brought up the fact that Julio doesn't seem to think I need it, and wondered outloud if Julio just thinks I'm doing dandy, or what? BQ(drug doctor nickname) suggested that maybe Julio is in denial of how severe this is.
He stood up and went to his desk, which is usually the signal that were done. I almost burst out crying right there because I thought he was just going to do nothing.
Instead he came back down to his chair with a prescription pad. He asked me to tell him more about how things are falling apart. I listed things. "I have no friends, all I can think about is my eating disorder, I dread the day because I know will have to binge and purge." I stopped. He was writing. A lot. Not even looking at me. I kept talking. "I think about death a lot." I said quietly.
Finally I asked him what he was writing. He said he'll show me, that he's giving a copy of what he's writing to Julio. It reads:
"Melissa suffers from Severe Depression [actually capitliazed like that] and her profound eating disorder.
Outpatient treatment is a failure.
She must have partial hospitalization, residental, or inpatient treatment.
PX - Grave otherwise"
He said Julio and him will be talking to me. and that "we may not be able to keep this a secret from everyone."
God, I wonder how Julio will react. I'm afraid he's going to be upset with me. I wonder if Julio will take what BQ says seriously. I wonder what BQ will say. I wonder when they're going to talk to me.
Wonder. Wonder. Wonder.
I wonder if I should do this? I don't know how much longer I can last without doing something.
I left his office calm. He made a joke, I smiled and joked back, and left.
I got outside and started to cry. I walked quickly to my car, but couldn't shake the tears away. Nothing was going to make this okay, and I couldn't lie to myself to make myself stop crying.
So I sat in my car and sobbed.