2004-10-12, 7:49 p.m.
I saw Julio today. It went well. He strongly suggested, kind of forced upon, for me to go to the doc. He wants me to get blood work. He said he went to a 3 day conference last week one of the speakers talked on eating disorders and blood work. She talked on how people with eating disorder's electrolytes and potassium gets all whacked out and he made a mental note to bug me about going to the doctor. It was nice of him to think of me. I had to sign a release form for him to talk to my doctor about what kind of tests for me to get, and for him to get the results. Julio is commenting on my weight and eating disorder a lot more lately. I said I was cold and he kept saying because I had no body fat and that I needed to gain weight. Except these last few appointments, he's never, ever called me thin. But lately he keeps calling me "too skinny" and that I have no body fat and blah blah. It's weird to hear it from him. Julio says to plan to go into a treatment center next semester--January. Ugh, impossible to think about. After my appointment I called him from home to give him the number of my doc's and exact spelling of his last name. Then I called my doc. The lady was really rude to me. I wanted to hang up on her but I needed to make an appt. It's for next Monday. But I won't get the blood work done there, I guess. It'll be scary because he'll know about my ED and everything. I hope Julio follows up and calls him before I see him.
Today was long and productive and stressful. I went to philosophy, learned a paper was due I didn't know about, came home, wrote a rough draft of an English paper, went to Julio, ditched a dentist appointment, wrote the philosophy paper at Barnes and Noble, then came home and got yelled at. I ditched the dentist appt because I didn't want to know how messed up my teeth are. My mom yelled at me for ditching it. I ignored her and went up to my room. I said I'd reschedule it and took the card from her, but I don't plan to. My dad didn't say anything - like usual.
I didn't do Pilates again today because I'm too sore. I did it the past two days, though. But I woke up all tense and sore everywhere. My stomach, shoulders, and thighs especially. I decided to give my muscles a break today and pick it up again tomorrow.
Ew. I got candy corn because It sounded really good, so I bought some, and it's just as disgusting as I remember it being.
Julio says it makes him sad that I am so alone and lonely. I just shrugged. He says if I were to hang out with people, it'd be so superficial because I wouldn't talk about anything meaningful in my life. He wants me to tell someone else about my ED. I think that'd send someone running. He suggested Christie, but I don't know. I said when we establish a treatment place and tell my dad but he said why not before all that? I just want to be left alone with my eating disorder, but I'm so lonely everyday that I feel like I'm going to go crazy. Does that make sense? How can I want to be left alone but can be hating my loneliness? I guess I just don't want anyone to take away the thing I find comfort in.