2004-10-16, 2:44 p.m.
I think I should probably get dressed and go outside, but I have an urge to crawl back into bed.
That, or shove myself full of food food food food.
This morning I had an urge to call up an old friend and do something. Then I just sat and pondered how hard I worked to push everyone out of my life. I use to get panicky on the weekend because I didn't want anyone to call me while I was bingeing. Now I don't even worry about that. In the end, I decied it was easier just to hang out with myself today. Like everyday. I made myself about a zillion cups of tea, did pilates, and have been on the computer since. I'm pathetic.
On Monday I have this focus group thing where you basically give your opinion about new products and get paid loads of money to talk about it in a group of people. Then creepy people watch you behind those mirror glass things. Well I got called and the topic was fast food. Though I'm bulimic, I hardly ever binge on it, because it's too expensive. I never eat it on a regular basis because it's FATTENING. Anyway, I lied threw my teeth saying I eat it all the time and eat at all these different places so I'd get into the group. I really need the money and they pay like 80-100 dollars. Anyway, I made it. Hooray! Well that's not my problem. I just got a confirmation call saying the date, time, blah blah. Then she said "And don't come too full because there's going to be a taste test"
Fuck! I don't want to eat that fattening food! And I can't be like "Um..no." Because I said on the phone I eat Mcdonalds, burger king, wendy's, taco bell and tons of other places daily, and fast food in general like 15-20 times a month. I'm thinking I might spit it out into a napkin. Or say "Ew..I don't like this!" and spit it out. I'm really nervous though because what if people are chowing down full tacos and stuff? I can't eat even more then a bite of "forbidden" food without feeling guilty.
The things I do for binge food money. I really, really need money. My dad says he'll be broke till Thursday, so I can't mooch off him. Plus, the holidays are coming up. Luckily, I have no friends left so I won't have to buy for many. But I spend ALL my money on binge food so I'll need some spare cash for the couple people I'll need to shop for. It's pathetic, but I don't think I'll have an easy time parting with binge cash for presents. I tried to do this thing where I put aside 5 bucks each week for holiday presents. That lasted one week. Then I had no money to set aside.
Blah, I'm going to put on some warm ups and go to Barnes and Noble. I can see Julio shaking his finger at me right now. "get up, get dressed, and get out!" I've been sitting in my pajamas all day. Books might cheer me up.