shut my head off
2004-10-18, 11:09 a.m.

I want to scream.
I hardly slept last night. 4 hours at the most and now I feel like I'm walking in a blizzard. I turned out the light last night at 11:30 after reading, drinking tea, and taking melatonin; a sleep aid. I was restless. Anxious. My mind raced with thoughts of food, that day, and what I had to do the next day. I tried to focus on anything but food but I couldn't shut it out. That morning in church I got up, frustrated, because I couldn't stop thinking about food. I cried in the bathroom because I was so frustrated that I couldn't stop thinking about food. In bed, I tossed and turned, thinking about how my sister came over and I lied saying I was in bathtub but I was purging. I wanted to see her but I couldn't till I was done. I crouched looking under the door to make sure she wasn't upstairs to hear me. She's been too suspicious lately. I felt ashamed, disgusted with myself. I kept thinking about my sister coming over, different foods I was craving, what I needed to do the next day. I couldn't sleep.
I started to cry. STOP THINKING ABOUT FOOD I demanded to myself. 24 hours food food food is all I think about. I'm disgusting. I'm a beast. I tried to remember child hood memories but all I could think about was caramel and white chocolate. I started to bash my head against the wall. SLEEP I demanded. I thought about oatmeal raisin cookies. YOU FUCKING FAT SHIT SLEEP NO MORE FOOD. I checked the clock. 1:40.
I threw the covers back in disgust and got up. I had so much energy. I grabbed sandals, my cell phone, a sweatshirt, and went outside. It was clear I couldn't battle this night by myself. After making 3 circles around my neighborhood, I called Dean. It was 2 AM. He sounded alert. We talked for an hour. I cried and felt drained after I talked to him.
I turned out my light and tried to sleep again. Nothing. I took more melatonin. at 4 AM, I woke up to my barking dog. SANDY SHUT UP i yelled.
This went on till 8 AM. I skipped my morning class. I calculated maybe 4 hours of sleep. I'm very, very alert. This morning I went to the store and made binge food for tonight. I wonder what the cashier thought when I was purchasing cookies, white chocolate chips, pizza, ham, and diet coke at 8:30 AM?
Then I had the doctor at 10:30. When I was shuffled into the doc's office, the nurse said Julio didn't call. Being sleep deprived, tears welled into my eyes. I was too tired for this. When she left, I called him. I talked to Ken, guy who works behind desk. I asked him if Julio got through. He interrupted his current session, then I talked to Julio. He said he tried to get through thursday and friday, but he didn't reach doc. "So you picked up your phone and called me?" he said to me. Embarresment burned in me. I wanted to apologize profusely but I just stammered an explanation and said I didn't know what to do. He called my doc's office. My doc weighed me. I lost 3 lbs since April. He mumbled something about not wanting me to lose more weight, residential is a good idea, and we'll get me a blood test.
I felt embarresed, awful for giving my doc's a hard time, awful for interrupting Julio, awful for living.
I want to die. I'm a waste of space. I want to call Julio and apologize but that'd be annoying again. I'll just apologize at our next session which is not for a couple weeks because he probably hates me. I don't want to go to residential. I don't want to do anything. I just want to lie in bed and die.
die die die die.
And I still have so much to do today.