Not a good person
2004-10-21, 6:55 p.m.

So after I was freaking out about the whole doctor fiasco, and afraid Julio hated me for interrupting his session, I got this email from him:
How did it go yesterday with the MD
I'm sorry I did not get him before you got there. I had tried two times last week and each time he was out or the office was closed.
It was smart of you to use the phone to call me while you were there. I was proud of you.
Haha. Okay. So he didn't hate me. He was proud of me. Tomorrow I'm going to go get my blood test done before my noon class. I'm a fat cow and I can't lose any weight. My metabolism is shot. I'm trying to work out everyday but it's hard when you hate working out. I just ordered another pilates tape since my beginners one is getting old already. I don't feel like I get much of a work out from it.
Went to lunch with Dean today. I told him about the doctor's appointment, mentioning I got weighed, and the doc said I lost 3 lbs. I didn't say how much I weighed though. I continued with my story and looked down at my salad. Dean said "93?" I knew he meant 93 lbs but I decided to play dumb. "93 what?" "93 lbs?" I asked where he got that number and he said just a guess. I said "No." He said "Lower or higher?" I paused, then asked "What do you think?" He said "Lower." I took a bit of joy from that and said "Yes." He said "88." I said "No." He guessed, 89, then 90, and I said "Yes." It made me uncomfortable telling him how much I weighed on the doctor's scale. Espically since it wasn't entirely accurate because I was in shoes, jeans, a jacket, and other layers. On my home scale, in the morning, naked, empty bladder, I might be 84-85. That makes me sad because after Hawaii when I starved myself for a week and at my lowest weight I was 78. I feel huge. My weight won't budge no matter how little I eat, how good I purge, and how much I exercise. Everyday it reads either 84 or 85. I wish I weighed 10 lbs less.
I don't see Julio till Nov 2. Sometimes I feel like Julio is only being nice to me lately because he knows I'm going off to residential in Jan. I wonder if I'll keep seeing him after I go to inpatient. I wonder if I will go to inpatient. I wonder if while I'm in inpatient, if he'll keep in contact with me. I wonder if he cares about me. I really hope he does. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't. I'm not a good person.