2005-01-15, 11:31 p.m.
My body feels stiff and sore all over. It feels so good to collapse into bed with my laptop and write this entry. I am so exhausted. I hardly did anything today and I feel like I've ran a marathon. I am 18 and I feel like I'm pushing the limits of my body already. At this rate, how much longer will I hold out? My leg problem is still persisting, but it's not as bad. I'm taking it easy and trying to nurse them back to health so I can feel not so lazy.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting on my childhood and my parents. I guess I'm trying to find some kind of connection with my depression, eating disorder, and my current status. Today my dad, brother, and I were driving from the grocery store to a health food store and my brother wanted to go to a hardware store. My dad didn't want to go but he said he'd drop my brother off and pick him up on the way back. Instead of pulling into the parking lot of the store, he told him to get out when we were in the far lane. My brother kind of glared but went. I said to my dad "That was real nice. You didn't even pull in." My dad said he's just wasting his time and money. He's never seen my brother complete a project that's useful.
It made me think about my childhood. My dad has never encouraged me or my brother and sister in any of our activities. Many times I wanted to take up a sport or a hobby and my dad dismissed it or didn't encourage me to try because of money or he wasn't interested. If I was allowed, I lost interest because I wasn't encouraged. I use to play the piano and I liked it, but because neither of my parents encouraged it, I didn't persue it. I wanted to join a soccer team, but my dad didn't let me because of money. I wanted to take up ice skating, but again, money. This brings up a lot of issues in my head. I, as a child, could think my dad doesn't think I'm good enough, I don't get enough social-interaction, and I'm discouraged from trying new things in my life.
Infact, I remember a homework assigment in elementry school where we had to write about what we want to do when we grow up. I said I wanted to be a famous piano player like mozart and stuff. Then at the end I wrote "But I don't think that will ever happen." I remember writing on a lot of my homework assigments after getting bad grades back "I suck". It shows what low self esteem I had in elementry school, and my parents did nothing about it.
I have more food memories, but if anyone has gotten this far in this entry, that's enough for today.
Side note: Two days in a row failed and b/p. Weekends are hard because my parents leave and I'm too tempted. Loneliness plays a huge factor.
Oh, and when my dad and I went to health store, I ran into someone from one of the eating disorder meeting that I kind of got to know. It was really weird. Kind of took me a second to realize who she was. She gave me a hug and asked how I was, long time no see, kind of thing. Very awkward. After I went to check out with my dad, I was going to back and ask for her number, but I couldn't think of a good reason to ask for it. I kept walking towards her, then away. I chickened out.
I was shaking the whole way home. My dad noticed and asked me what was wrong, but I just shook my head.