2005-01-17, 11:01 a.m.
I feel like no one understands me. Or more accurately, no one is listening. I try to talk to my dad and 90% of the time, he cuts off my thought. The sad thing is, I think I'm making some witty, insightful remark and he just talks over me and I don't think he even heard what I said. So I fall into a silence. He doesn't even notice when I'm being silent. He just wants to talk. I think he likes to hear his witty, insightful comments. But I don't think anything he says are all that great. If I'm in the mood, I'll argue with him. But It's like arguing with my mom. It gets no where. So I stare into my blanket, or the car door, or wherever I am with him.
I'm beginning to feel that way with Julio, too. I feel like I have good meetings with him, but I don't know if he see's it the same way I do. Last appt I had with him I spilled all the emotions building up inside of me: about all the hate I feel about me and everyone around me and my fear of failure. I asked him when he jotted down a summary of this appt later this day what he would say and he said something about me being still depressed and few other things about the appt. That could be any other appt, nothing shocking. It doesn't reveal any details or any steps I thought I made. Was he listening or thinking about dinner that night?
I have a bipolar look on tragedy. I'm tired of hearing about all the negative things in the world, yet I'm one of the most negative people in the world. I love to listen to depressing music, watch awful movies, and mope. But when my dad is explaining his time share vacation to my brother, and my brother picks apart how it'll never pay off money wise, and how he calculates how much it costs every year, how much he has used already, and every other detail, I want to scream. So I do. I yell at him at the frozen yogurt shop that's not all about money and the technical issues, it's about the enjoyment of the trips as well. Money can't buy happiness. I was hoping my dad would back me up, but he sat there like a statue, as usual. I hate vacations, so I don't know why I freaked out. I'm just tired of negativeness. I'm tired of my family always fighting. I'm tired of the arguing, picking everything apart, them being unhappy. I wish they could just smile.
At the same time, I'm tired of them being fake around me. I wish they could just tell me what they think of me. I know they tiptoe around me and have all these thoughts about how I'm a waste of space and need to get a job and how I eat funny, but it makes things worse when they don't say it. My dad prints articles about food and nutrition and leaves them for me, but he won't talk to me about it portrays to me. He has no idea what's going on with me. I don't particulary want to sit down with him, but he can't half ass it.
Another Monday. Another depressing day where I pretend I'm not going to binge and purge then I just end up failing at the end of day. Resulting in weight gain. I feel like my body is made out of pudding. Except I've picked at it from head to toe so I look like bleeding pudding with all these scabs. I feel disgusting and am tempted to take sleeping pills and sleep off the day. I know nothing good is going to happen today, anyway.