2005-01-18, 1:09 p.m.
I wish last night was all a bad dream. I feel like it was because I feel so fuzzy and disconnected from reality, but some marks on my hand and leg remind me that it defiently happened. Plus the fact that I slept into 1:00 PM, want to shoot myself in the head, and have no desire to face myself and the day, reflect the fact that these feelings are still going on.
Let me back up. I was doing okay yesterday food wise. Then the evening came and I was going over how much I should eat with eating a bit too much popcorn and pudding...but it probably was okay calorie wise, I just felt a little bloated. But whenever I feel bloated I think I should binge and purge. Weird. At any rate, I panicked and did. Then I felt like absolute shit afterwards. I decided to take a bath afterwards because my chest is a mess of scabs, blood, and very sore. I dropped my pajamas and saw the horror of how much weight I've gained. They looked monsterously huge. All of a sudden I didn't want to take a bath anymore and just wanted to crawl up in bed and sleep. I jumped in the bath for a second anyway, cried, got dressed, and headed for my bedroom.
I think I was crying out of frustration of myself for being so shallow, wrapped up in this, and being torn of wanting to be thin and wanting to have a healthy preception. I got into bed not so tired all of a sudden. Like a zombie I got a permament marker and wrote on my hand "ORDER DIET PILLS. FAT ASS. SMOKE WHEN HUNGRY." Lame, I know. Then I got out of bed and crawled over to a container I haven't looked at for a long time. It use to hold tea, but now it holds broken class, a cigarette, and various razors.
I cut my leg for the first time in a couple years. They were nothing compared to the damage I use to do my arms, but it calmed me down significantly. I pulled my pajamas down over my bleeding leg, took some sleeping pills, and fell asleep.
Now I'm awake and my pajamas are stuck to my leg, my hand has rubbed off the marker slightly with sweat, my face and chest looks disgusting with dried blood and scabs from freaking out from how ugly I am. My face is bloated from either purging or gaining weight or both. My thighs feel huge because I think they are or they are.
I don't want to get out of bed and shower and face all of this. I don't want to eat and trigger myself to purge. I just want to lye here all day. I know I can't. I have to face myself some day. I am so ugly, I made myself this way, and I'm beginning to not be able to stand my reflection.
I feel like I'm giving up. When I'd gain weight, I'd try harder. Now I'm just laying in bed, not exercising, not making vows not to eat. When I'd get depressed, I'd try to think of things to do or ways to get out of the house. Instead, I'm contemplating taking more sleeping pills.
I'm a lost cause.