2005-10-30, 10:00 a.m.

Yesterday morning I woke up with a bad headache. I asked for ibuprofen. Later that day we were walking around the grocery store and blockbuster and I was freezing. I got back here and layed down immediatly..full clothes and all blankets. I tried to tell the staff member I think I'm sick because I had a headache, my heart was pounding in my head, and I felt really weak and hot. She told me it was probably anxiety but gave me more ibuprofen. Later that evening I felt worse...so I asked the night staff to take my temp. I got an icepack and juice, and layed down for awhile. She took my temp and vitals it was 102. They tried calling my doc but no answer. I slept...with no covers and sweating. This morning I woke up feeling cooler but my pounding headache was back...everytime I move my eyes or walk around too much I get shooting pain. I got up to shower and when I was doing my hair afterwards, everything started to get really hot then. I put down my hairbrush and rushed to my bed...I really felt like I needed to lay down. Things started to spin. I layed down and took deep breaths but everytime I got up I couldn't stand for long. At breakfast, they asked i I felt like eating and I said no. They took my temp again and it was 102.5. So pretty consistent. Took vitals again..laying and standing. Blood pressure was normal each time but my pulse standing was 127. I don't think it's ever been that high as far as I know.
I ate breakfast but put part of my bagel in a napkin. They said they'd give me some lenancy because I'm sick but I really want privelages and stuff so I didn't want to chance it. I just felt really nauseous. I'm bummed because they're going to go out today - barnes and noble and stuff. I want to go even if I feel cruddy. They gave me one 500 mg ibuprofen but yesterday I got two of those. I took one of mine I have stashed. My head feels a little better now but it's hard to walk around. I keep getting really cold and hot too.
Yesterday my sister, her fiance, and my dad came to visit. We talked on the porch for a couple hours. The visit went fine but just a lot of the talk was superficial which kind of bugged me because i'm dying to knwo what my dad has been thinking about this all. But he did the sweetest thing when they were leaving. He gave me a hug, and as I stood at the doorway saying bye he tried to be encouraging. You could tell he was uncomfortable but gave me a thumbs up and keep stuttering over his words. But he said "I miss you but you're going to do good. stay strong." You could tell it was kind of hard for him to say something mushy.
I'm trying to be honest and push myself. I've only hit food a couple times...some burrito wrap and this morning at breakfast. I've managed to eat the rest of my meals no matter how scary. One meal I didn't finish so I had to eat some nuts but that was it...it was barely anything I left behind.
This is the first time I haven't purged two days in a row in ages. Even one full day.
I had a dream last night that I tried to put on some pants but my thighs were too big so I couldn't fit in them. I had another dream I was bingeing infront of my dad then got all freaked out because I remembered he knew and would know I was bingeing.
I really want to binge and purge..even if my stomach hurts right now.