2006-01-11, 4:57 p.m.
Today was good. Things have been good.
I saw Rita yesterday and as long as my insurance goes through, I'm going back to St. Joseph's.
I saw Julio today and it went really, really well. He greeted me with a happy new year and "good to see you", told me I looked pretty, and hugged me. It was nice to see him. He brought me over to Pat, his wife who works there too, and said "look who I found!" I chatted with her and she said my hair looked nice and complimented the new cut and colour. It made me feel good.
I talked with Julio about not knowing what's best for me in regards to treatment. I said I don't know if I just want to go back to St. Joseph's because i miss it or because it's best. He said I need to figure out if I think I can break the binge/purge cycle without 24 hour supervision. We talked about my dad a little and how I feel dumb for wanting his attention, though it's normal. When we had about 10 minutes left I brought up how I had sex for the first time. I had a hard time saying it. I hesistated and said I think I did something stupid and I don't know how to say it. He said, why did he bring it up when we don't have a lot of time? I said because I don't know how to say it and I'm embarrassed. He said..well..bring me into the ball park...was it something illegal? I said no. I said it was something with a guy. He said point blank, you had sex. I nodded vigoursly. I said for the first time, in case he forget I've mentioned I'm a virgin. He said "you lost your virginity?" and i nodded the same way. I said I don't know if I'm not making a big enough deal out of this or am making a big deal out of it. He asked me about it, who it was with, and I explained the situation and how it's embarassing and dumb. He asked if i was raped. I hesistated and said no. He even asked if it was okay, and I said it was even though it wasn't. He asked what I thought about it and I said I don't want to do it ever again. He said, why? Because it hurt? I said well, ya, but also because it was uncomfortable and embarassing. He said he's perfectly comfortable with talking about sex..it's a normal human thing..and if I want to talk about it, we can talk about it more in the future. He encouraged me to talk to Rita or a female. I said I have a hard time bringing things up..and he said no, shit. I said I have a hard time thinking of sex as a good, loving thing. It seems bad and dirty to me. He said I've also never been in love. I said ya, but I can't even fathom it being a good thing. He said you've also never been in love, once again. I said ya, and dropped it.
I said I don't know what to do about BQ, my psychiatrist, because I think he's fed up with me. i explained why I think I stop taking meds all the time..it's my black and white thinking. I think once I miss a day, ...it's like..all or nothing. and i won't take it anymore. He said Prozac is forgiving and in reality, if I miss a day, it doesn't matter too much.
He checked his scheduel and I'm on for next week. yay.
I came home, binged and purged, didn't feel guilty, walked on my treadmill for 30 minutes and scolded my fat, and replied to some emails. I feel okay right now..just frustrated that I feel like bingeing and purging again. I want to be done for the day but the temptation is always a fire inside of me.