Out of control
2006-01-13, 12:37 a.m.

No news from Rita yet about insurance authorization. But uh, no news is good news?
I feel so out of control lately. I mean, I always feel kind of out of control but I feel like I can't stop fucking eating and puking. I feel ready to make changes and push myself but these past few days when I strive to only binge and purge ONCE (which is how much I use to do it -.-) and am unable to do it..I feel kind of crazy. Like today I binged and purged around 4:30. I had a pretty big one, so I said "ok, no more today." I took some diet pills and sleeping pills. I took the sleeping pills so I would be able to go to sleep and the diet pills so I wouldn't want to eat again. I also got frozen yogurt so I wouldn't feel the need to binge because i had my favorite thing in the world.
So I asked my dad and brother to play srabble. I ate my frozen yogurt and felt very empty. I wanted more. I wanted a gallon. So I ate. I ate beans and linkins and yogurt and cottage cheese. Then I purged mid game. Then I really wanted frozen yogurt again. So I got more, ate it, and wanted more food again. I ate pretzels, a banana, peanut butter, more yogurt, bread, cream cheese, and lots of plain tortilla chips. Then I purged again. I guess 3 today was better then my four b/pes I've been having. But it's frustrating because I can't go without eating for too long. Or I feel like my night is incomplete without eating. Argh.