2006-01-14, 3:22 p.m.
I'm done with craigslist. for real this time.
I made a post asking for a last hurrah at the buffets before treatment starts monday. i met with a guy named philip today. ughhh. what a fucking whack job. this is what happened:
We planned to meet at 2:00. I had some time to kill so I ate and puked because I don't know how else to fill my time. god.
I went to Hometown Buffet and was about 30 minutes early. So i walked around the 99 cent store scoping out some food to buy after my buffet time. I bought some cheap ass makeup that I remember reading about on makeupalley.com. After that, I went to Hometown Buffet. It was raining, so I walked under the ceiling thingy that pokes out of the building. I walked by the groups of people and one guy was standing by himself and kind of eyeing me. I hoped that wasn't Philip because he looked weird. I walked by him, called the cell phone number he gave me, then saw him walking towards me. he said nicely, "you must be Melissa?" Philip had long frizzy hair past his shoulders and a major unibrow. If he cut his hair and plucked his unibrow, he might be attractive. We went inside and I hoped he'd pay for my meal because I'm a cheapass. He told the guy at the cashier 2 adults, but then said to put it on separate checks. Damn. We found a booth and sat down. He asked me questions about my bulimia, the treatment I'm going into, how I started, what I do, how i get over the taste, and our food preferances. I answered honestly and open seeing as i'm about to scarf food down infront of him. We ate a few plates of food (he was a good eater too..just pretty thin) and I wanted to purge to make more room for food. I went to the bathroom and it was SUPER crowded. I walked into a stall when it was available and debated whether or not I wanted to purge and just say "fuck it" to the people in the restoom. I was too tense so I walked out and decided to finish eating there, and find a bathroom else where. I told philip my plan and he said ok. I got a plate of deserts..cookies, cakes, puddings and soft serve icecream. I wasn't feeling very hungry or into this buffet thing anymore..but I ate all of the good stuff and scoped the bathroom again. There was a lot of people in it, still. Philip's back was to me so I scooted past him and out the door of the buffet. I looked at the near by shops and tried to figure out which one would have a restroom and a private one at that. I decided to try the 99 cent store. I asked a clerk if there was a bathroom, and quickly hustled to find it. Relief filled me when I saw the woman's stall and a bit of hesistation as well seeing how sketchy it looked. It was pretty gross inside, but managable. I locked the door and purged. The food came easily as I ate a bunch of soft foods and tried to drink several glasses of diet coke. After the food slowed down and got kind of stuck, I flushed, and drank water out of the faucet to rinse. That's when I heard someone try to open the door. I froze, afraid someone was going to get in, but remembered the door was latched. I felt bad for taking so long but tried to keep calm thinking...they're strangers, i'll never see them again, the door is locked and they can't do anything about it. I continued purging. One of the purges came with great force and vomit hit my shoe and skirt. God fucking damnit, I thought. I finished up till my stomach felt flat and no more food would come out. I wiped down the toilet, scrubbed my shoe and jacket and shirt and skirt where vomit hit. I heard someone try the door a few more times and felt embarassment knowing i'd have to walk out. After I thought i looked normal, put on makeup where needed, I opened the door. A small mexican woman stood there and shyly smiled at me. I ran out knowing there was still some remnants in the toilet. After, I walked around the 99 cent store badly wanting a cigarette and feeling kind of fuzzy from dehydrating myself. I willed my body to pass out..have a heart attack..something. I just wanted to lay down and sleep.
After a good 10 minutes, and no word from philip, I snuck out of the 99 cent store, dodged behind a few cars, and drove off in my car. About 5 minutes into the drive home my cell phone rang and i noticed it was philip's number. I ignored it. He left a message saying he was worried since it's been 20 minutes since i left for the bathroom and if I left then maybe i'll see him sometime. He was nice and I felt bad but I didn't want to see him. He talked to me about dance dance revolution and anime and martial arts and working on computers for a living. I thoguht he might be pulling my leg because he was a classic geek.
I drove home, changed my clothes, and debated what to do now. I'm thinking of either taking a bunch of diet pills, sleeping pills, and prescription pills so I'm so sick I can't eat tonight. I'm thinking of walking on my treadmil. I'm also thinking of responding to the guy who wants to hit a buffet toniht..but I'm worried that he'll make me pay, the bathroom will suck, or he'll be a freak. i'm also just feeling too fat to binge and purge anymore. i miss the days where i starved all day. atleast i was thin then.
i'm so ready to start st. joe's on monday. maybe this negative experience with food is something i needed. but i oddly feel really deprssed after this.